At what point as parents do we start expecting reciprocity? And how realistic is our expectation? Most parents have had that moment where we take our child to somewhere super awesome (and busy and mega expensive). You assume it will be worth the money because you have seen many movies where the special day with the family at the amusement park was the highlight of the family vacation. We assume this place is so fun how could a child not enjoy it?
Then 2.5 hours in your child is crying uncontrollably while you frantically try and figure out how you could have made this day any better. You begin to resent the fact that your child is not appreciating all that you have done for them today? Do they think you came here for you? But what is your child feeling? They were likely excited to go to the fun place but once they got there they were surrounded by people bigger than them. They have to stand in line waiting to go on a ride that makes them feel kind of nauseous. They can’t run, jump, climb or just be free. Lots of rules, waiting and semi-pissed off adults.
This is overwhelming! They are excited to be at the amusement park but they want to be a child and explore it freely. This is just not realistic in that setting. So both of you are disappointed and struggling to self-regulate in all the chaos and letdown. Just STOP. Go sit down in a semi-quiet area and try and reconnect with your child. Let them know you understand how they feel. When you show them that you understand their feelings in this situation, even when their behaviour could be perceived as ungrateful, they will begin to empathize with you.
Tell them how you feel “I was so excited to bring you here today. It looked like so much fun! Have you been having fun? I’ve been having fun too but it’s a little busy and there is a lot of waiting? How does that make you feel?” If your child tells you they don’t mind, well then you’re likely the one overwhelmed, not them. If they tell you they are also overwhelmed, then you can come up with a new plan. The development of compassion and empathy is learned.
Not everyone becomes empathetic and compassionate. It is almost exclusively taught at home but school can also have a large impact. So if you feel like your child doesn’t understand how much you do for them, like they don’t empathize with what you’re going through, maybe you’re not modelling empathy effectively?
This is an excerpt from my book The Connect Instead of Correct Challenge
Parenting can be such an all consuming and thankless role. It can be challenging to just give and give and not feel like your efforts are being reciprocated. The thing is, children don’t reciprocate in relationships, in the same way adults do. They reciprocate by showing you that they trust you and feel safe with you.
Sometimes that looks like releasing their most complex emotions when they are safely in your presence. It’s very hard to see an upset child as someone who is reciprocating your relationship but what they are showing you is you have effectively created a nest where they are free to feel and be who they are completely, without conditions.
The complexity of the parent-child bond… the perceived imbalance of give-and-take… can trigger so many emotions and memories for parents. It’s ok to take a minute and check in with yourself. Say “whoa, I’m triggered right now. I need a minute to process and self-regulate.”
So the reciprocity is when they show they are comfortable to be themselves in our presence. If the parent keeps correcting, the wall increases, the child becomes more inhibited and it becomes more difficult to connect. Now what if the parent only stopped correcting, so they just walk away? That’s better then
correcting, but not increasing connection. If we try to just stop correcting, without increasing connection, well we may feel lost and confused. It may feel like we don’t have a role.
It is a chance to reflect on ways our role has become one of authority and control more than nurturing. Our children also may feel that disconnection. Sometimes we don’t need to connect or correct, we just need to sit back and self-regulate.
As an example, if your child was to fall and hurt themselves and you were just trying to avoid correcting without connecting, you may just sit there and say nothing, not giving them the nurturing they need in that moment. An example of correcting in that case would be “I told you not to climb on that branch!” So of course, we want to avoid correcting in this situation but also, if our child’s hurt,
connection may actually meet their need. When we avoid correction, it helps us to avoid putting up those barriers to connection, and the connection part helps with co-regulation and understanding and meeting
our child’s needs.
We will undoubtedly receive so many things from our children.
From dandelions and scraps of paper we want to keep forever,
To germs and endless messes.
We will receive unconditional love like we’ve never experienced.
We will receive harsh lessons and healing.
The receiving is not the problem,
It’s the expectation of receiving.
It’s the expectation of reciprocity.
J. Milburn
