A plea to the parents of the ‘good’ children, from the parents of the ‘naughty’ children – Sarah Ockwell-Smith

“I’m so sorry darling. I don’t understand why nobody has shown up”

I did understand. I just didn’t have the heart to explain to my shattered newly 7 year old, sobbing, in our empty living room, decorated full of balloons and banners to celebrate his birthday party. He had invited his whole class. None of them showed up.

You see, my son was “the naughty boy” in the class. The one the other parents told their “good” child to avoid. The one they never invited over for a playdate and made excuses when we invited their child. He was “the child” that so many parents post about, complaining, on social media discussion forums. Asking other parents of “good children” how to navigate splitting their child’s friendship up, because they don’t want “the naughty child” to negatively influence their well-behaved and well-mannered child.

I will tell you now, there is nothing as heartbreaking as seeing your child being shunned by others, especially when the instructions come from other parents.

As the parent to a “naughty child” you see the sideways glance on the school run. You over-hear the quick whisper between two parents at the playground. You notice the slight pause before another child’s parent accepts an invitation to play and the inevitable polite, but unbelievable, excuse when they don’t. You desperaetly try to help your child to make friends, to experience the childhood that others get to enjoy, but you are constantly knocked-back, rebuked, ignored and you know exactly why.

If you’re a parent of a child who’s been labelled “naughty,” you’ll know these moments intimately. The looks, words and gestures may be small and subtle, but they accumulate like layers of dust, settling heavily on already exhausted shoulders.

Nowhere is this more painful than when your child has ADHD; when the meltdowns aren’t just seen as bad behaviour, but as a reflection of your parenting. When your child’s struggle with self-regulation is viewed as a character flaw rather than a neurological condition. Both parent and child so deeply misunderstood. You are a bad parent to a bad child and they don’t want your failures and your child’s to rub off on their own child. that’s what the message really is beneath the attempts at social niceties.

If you’re a parent of a “well-behaved child”, the ones whose children sit quietly on the carpet at story time, who don’t scream in the supermarket, who say “please” and “thank you” without being prompted, who never lash out or swear, this isn’t an accusation. It’s an invitation. An invitation to really understand what it’s like to be a parent to a “naughty child”, to really understand the child’s behaviour, and to understand who you and your child can help.

What You Don’t See

You see our child in a ten-minute window on the school playground, or at another child’s birthday party (where the parent has been brave enough to invite them). They may shout too loudly, run around during pass the parcel, struggle with turn-taking and push another child when they won’t let them have a go on a piece of play equipment, have a meltdown over the colour of a balloon, or throw out a swear word when asked to leave. You might wonder why they’re not better behaved. Why we, as parents, don’t seem to be doing more to “control” them. You may think we don’t discipline, that we’re permissive, too gentle – or maybe too harsh.

What you don’t see is the two hours we spent convincing them to go to school. The panic when they realised the party room was louder than they’d imagined. The internal chaos triggered by another child telling them to “go away, my mum says I’m not allowed to play with you”. The sensory overload, the anxiety, the sheer effort of trying to hold it all together in a world that doesn’t fit the way their brain works.

And what you certainly don’t see is the silent devastation we feel when we catch your eye across the room and recognise the look. Not of curiosity, not of concern, but of judgement. Dismissal. Disapproval. We see you steer your “good child” away from ours and we know why.

The Impact of Exclusion

It’s not just the looks, or words that we catch as their parent. Your child doesn’t invite ours to their party, we know why. You don’t return the text about a playdate, we know why. You quietly warn your child to “stay away” and encourage them to make friends with another, better behaved, child.

We don’t always get told directly, but children talk. One day your child will say to ours, “My mum say ’m not allowed to play with you” and then our child learns something they’ll carry with them for a long time: that they are unwanted. That they are, somehow, less, or too much. They already know they don’t fit the norms, they already struggle as a square peg in a round hole at school, but now they know, categorically that they don’t fit in what they thought was their friendship group either. Their peers don’t want them. Can you imagine the impact that has on their self-esteem as they grow? Maybe you’ve herad the saying “the child who doesn’t feel the warmth of the village will eventually burn it down to feel its warmth?”. We don’t want that to happen, we want our children to be included right from the very start.

What ADHD Really Means

ADHD isn’t a parenting failure. It’s not a lack of discipline. It’s not a child choosing to be difficult. It’s a neurodevelopmental condition that affects the way the brain processes information and responds to the world. Children with ADHD often struggle with impulse control, emotional regulation and executive functioning. They are not being “naughty”, they are struggling.

What they need isn’t distance. It’s understanding. What we, as their parents, need isn’t silence. It’s support.

ADHD isn’t catching either. Your child won’t suddenly start to copy our child’s dysregulation if they spend time together. They won’t suddenly become a delinquent because they are friends with our child. You’ve raised them better than that.

You Can Make a Difference

You have the power to change the narrative. As the parent of a neurotypical child, you’re in a position of privilege and with that comes responsibility.

You can teach your child that not all children are the same, and that’s a good thing. That some children find it harder to sit still, to wait their turn, to manage their emotions. You can talk to them about ADHD in a gentle, age-appropriate way. Help them see that their classmate isn’t being difficult; they’re finding things difficult.

You can encourage inclusion. Suggest inviting the child who’s always left out. Stay close, support the interaction, help it go well. Your presence and encouragement might just change both children’s day, perhaps even their year or (no I’m not exagerrating) their life.

And if it doesn’t go perfectly? That’s fine. Children don’t learn empathy through perfection. They learn it through guidance, through making mistakes and trying again, through seeing the adults around them model kindness and compassion. Raising allies isn’t easy, but it is so very worth it. You’ll be growing your child’s altruism, acceptance, compassion and respect skills too, it’s a win-win for everyone.

Support Helps Everyone

When you offer understanding instead of judgement, you help not just our children, you help us too. You make the world feel a little less lonely. A little less heavy. And when we feel supported, we can be calmer. More patient. More present. And our children feel that. Our children are always watching us. If we respond to difference with fear or avoidance, so will they. If we meet it with compassion, they will too.

Inclusion benefits everyone. Your child learns patience, empathy and resilience. Our child gets the opportunity to practise social skills in a real-world, low-pressure setting. You get to be the kind of parent your child will grow up proud of. And we, the tired, worried, battle-worn parents of a “naughty child” get to breathe a little easier, knowing we’re not alone and knowing that the world will come to love our child, just as we do.

A Final Word

If your child is never the one being excluded, left out, misunderstood, then it’s your child’s turn to be the includer. The helper. The friend.

And if you find yourself feeling unsure of how to do that then just start by saying hello. Start by staying for that awkward playdate. Start by asking how things are going, and meaning it. Small acts of kindness can change the world for one child and their family.

For those of us raising children who are often seen as “too much”, too loud, too emotional, too impulsive, a little kindness goes an awfully long way.

My new book RAISING ATTENTION is all about the emotional and physical toil of raising children with explosive behaviour (whether they have ADHD, or not). It is a love-letter to all the exhausted parents who want to help their child (and themselves) but are not sure how. It is full of support, no judgement, from a mum who has been in your shoes. It’s out July 3rd. You can get a copy HERE.

Sarah xx

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