On Dick Wolf getting a new NBC show:
“Dick Wolf, the Michael Jordan of character actors getting murdered in the park.”
On Disney beating Netflix in ad-supported viewers:
“Disney has 164 million active users per month across our ad-supported platforms, more than twice the number Netflix has. I don’t have a joke for that … I just want you to know that we finally beat those motherf****rs at something.”
On CBS winning the broadcast season:
“CBS was the most-watched network again for the 17th year in a row. Led by their hit comedy ‘Ghosts.’ Which is also what most of their viewers will be soon.”
On ABC not having new shows:
“Our fish is not fresh. But you know what we do have? Season grand-mother-f***ing two of The Golden Bachelor! Say what you will about ABC, we are still the only network where you can see pop-pop get a squeezer in a hot tub!”
On ESPN’s new streaming service being called “ESPN”:
“So what will this mysterious new streaming service be called? Well, you know, they had a conclave. And a little puff of white smoke came out of Jimmy Pitaro’s ass … And the new service bringing live content to millions of fans around the world will go by the name ‘ESPN.’ And that’s why they call us ‘Imagineers.’”
On ESPN getting a new streamer but keeping ESPN+:
“You will get less content on ESPN+. The ‘plus’ is now, in many ways, a minus. If you want the plus, you have to pay less for it. It’s all part of our plan to confuse you until you hand us the debit card of everyone in your family.”
On ABC’s audience shrinking, but CPMS going up:
“Every year, our audience gets smaller, and we tell you it’s bigger, and we want more, for less. And it’s exhausting. I know. We are annoying and unreasonable, and you have shitty jobs because of it. But at least you have the shitty jobs! All those kids we saw graduating this weekend … some of them might have to date Bill Belichick to make ends meet.”
