For those of you seeking to write a memoir or learn self-help tools to deepen your Internal Family Systems practice, either as an adjunct to your IFS practice or because you can’t afford or can’t find an IFS therapist, my health equity parts want to share some practices you can try at home to get to know, heal, and possibly, unburden your parts through writing. If you are interested in being facilitated in a safe, brave community directly with me and IFS lead trainer and Harvard-trained psychiatrist Frank Anderson, MD, please join us for WRITE TO HEAL just after we ring in 2025, starting January 9.
I’ve included examples of my own healing process for each one of the ten steps.
STEP 1 Map The Moments That Made You and identify a target part that wants
to write.
If parts are going to be blending in order to write, it’s important to know who’s part of the scene, so the needs of all parts can be considered and decisions can be made about whose voice gets center stage when. Mapping the Moments That Made You includes mapping out the characters in the scene- protectors, exiles, and Self- as well as anyone else who might be involved in the scene outside your inner world.
STEP 2 Get protector permission and blend to write.
Get permission from all parts before blending and then blend with the protector part and let it tell its story in writing. Because the hallmark of IFS is that we never override protector parts, start with asking for permission from protector parts that might have a story to tell. When you go inside and inquire about permission, remember that parts of you show up in any sensory modality. You May hear a voice (Yes, it’s fine, or No, no way!), feel a sensation in your body (pit in your stomach or lightness in your chest), or visualize a part (thumbs up or thumbs down sign in your inner imagery). If the part gives you a “No,” inquire about what it’s afraid of. If you can’t tell if there are any protectors involved in your story, try using one or both of the following creative prompts:
- Hyperaroused (fight):: I’ll show him/her…
- Hyperaroused (flight): I’m so outa here…
- Hypoaroused (freeze): I could barely move when…
STEP 3 Separate (Unblend) and introduce the protector part to the Self, updating the part to meet the Self of today.
Remember that most protectors think you’re still very little and unable to make do if they don’t do their job. Find out what they’re scared would happen if they didn’t do their job. Get to know your protector parts and earning their trust. You can either work with your protectors in the inner world or write from the blended parts.
Remember the 6F’s:
Find (the part in your body)
Focus (your attention on it)
Flesh out (Get to know the part and how it thinks it’s helping you)
Feel towards (Assess how you feel towards the part. If you feel any of the 8 C’s- Curiosity, Calmness, Compassion, Creativity, Courage, Clarity, Confidence, or Connectedness, there’s enough “Self” there to proceed. If you don’t like the part or are scared of the part, that’s probably another protector part, and you repeat the process.)
BeFriend You can befriend the part by asking the following questions:
- How did it get this job?
- How effective is it at doing the job?
- If it didn’t have to do this job, what would it do instead?
- How old is this part?
- How old does it think you are?
- What else does it want you to know?
- What does it want for you?
Fears (Ask what this part is afraid would happen if it didn’t do its job. Often the answer will
lead you to an exiled inner kiddo.)
STEP 4 Let Self write a love letter to your protective part. Foster a mutual relationship between the Self and the part, then let Self validate what it heard from the part in writing.
STEP 5 Hear from other protector parts involved in your parts map.
What other protector parts were at the scene? Let them each write to add nuance and texture. Check in with parts to see when that part wants Self to quote the part directly.
STEP 6 Witness your wounded parts.
Now that you’ve gotten to know the protectors, updated them to the Self of today, earned their trust, and gotten their permission to proceed, let the wounded parts (exiles) write their raw, tender, vulnerable stories, which are often at the heart of your memoir. You may use this step as part of the “witnessing” process from the “exile unburdening” process. You can blend with your hurt parts in this step- and let your hurt parts tell their story first hand. Try the immediacy of present tense for a gripping story told from the perspective of parts that are often stuck in the past.
STEP 7 Let Self write a love letter back to your wounded part.
This replicates the “reunion” phase of “exile unburdening,” when Self introduces itself to the exile and bears witness, mirrors, validates, and extends love and compassion to the exile..
STEP 8 Let the wounded part write the redo, what it wished for and didn’t get at the time.
When you’re writing, this often feels like writing fiction, rather than memoir- because it comes from the part’s imagination. But it can feel very real to the part. Let the part’s imagination create beauty from “what should have happened” by writing about it. The exile will tell you what they need, so don’t overthink it. As Dick Schwartz describes in his “Laws of Inner Physics,” anything goes in the inner world. Nothing bad happens in the outer world if the exile wants you to do something violent, get revenge, or stand up for the exile. What you’re doing is rewiring the existing trauma neural pathways and rewriting a healthy version that is void of the overwhelming feelings from the past. (implicit neuroplasticity). If you wish to complete the “exile unburdening process,” follow up the “redo” with closing your eyes and imagining yourself retrieving the wounded part from the scene of the trauma. Take the part out of the past and bring it somewhere safe in the present, then invite it to unload and unburden its “burdens” (limiting beliefs, uncomfortable physical sensations, thoughts or feelings about yourself or the world). Invite the part to take in qualities it needs as it moves forward. Then allow any protectors who were involved with that wounded part to see how the wounded part is doing after the unburdening is complete. Invite those protectors to relax and invite them to release their extreme roles and take up more relaxing or fun roles in the internal family system.
STEP 9 Let Self write on behalf of all relevant parts.
Now that the protectors have relaxed and the wounded parts have been unburdened, make an attempt at synthesizing all the voices and determining who speaks when to tell the story most accurately. This process will also add literary depth to the creative voice of your memoir. Because trauma is a misaligned interaction of energy from Source, healing trauma requires working with and bringing in different types of healing energy to align with Source (love, God, compassion, guides.) Bringing Self energy into the telling of the story allows the energy to shift from trauma to healing, such that the writing of the story can help you heal.
STEP 10 Find a third party witness.
If your parts give consent, share any of your writing with a safe, trusted third party who can witness your part compassionately along with your Self. Although IFS can get you far as a self-help practice, it’s even more healing as a relational practice. While Self can witness our own parts, wounds that happen in relationship often heal more thoroughly in relationship. This is part of why therapy works- because the therapist is often the first safe, trusted other for someone with severe trauma. If you can’t find or afford a therapist to be that safe third person, the next best thing is a peer-to-peer healing partner. This might be your romantic partner or a family member, but it’s even safer to try this with someone less close to you, someone less likely to activate your own parts if the other person doesn’t respond in the exact way your parts might wish. Ideally, your healing partner is also engaging in therapy or the IFS model or otherwise doing their own work, so you can reciprocate witnessing their process in a way that makes it balanced.
Remember, this way of writing to heal is a therapeutic practice, not necessarily the most efficient way to write a memoir! But you’ll be surprised how the immediacy of what comes up when you give your parts the pen (and when you let Self mirror and validate those parts and then synthesize their voices), bringing vitality to your storytelling.
If you’d like to try this with a community of seekers, writers, and people committed to healing, or if you’re interested in learning more so you can help your clients deepen their work by supporting their own systems in between sessions, please consider gifting yourself or someone else a spot with me and Frank for WRITE TO HEAL.
Register for WRITE TO HEAL here.
