I was recently listening to one of my favorite podcasts, couples therapist Esther Perel’s Where Shall We Begin. In this episode, the woman who is co-parenting with a man is complaining because she feels like she’s carrying far more than her fair share of the weight. All she’s asking him to do is help out with the baby’s laundry, but he’s doubling down on his irresponsibility when she’s already burned out from over-caregiving.
Esther reminds them both that this isn’t about the laundry.
“This is about can I rely on you? Can I trust you? Who’s taking care of me? If you do this laundry, it’s not that you wash the baby’s clothes, it’s that I feel that I have a partner and
I’m not alone. This is not an uncommon story in relationships in which one person is in the role of the adult and wants the other person to be more of an adult, but actually treats them in a more infantilized way, which makes the other person then responds exactly in kind. It becomes a confirmation bias. In straight couples, it plays itself out around gender, but in all couples it’s often also an issue of roles. The one who watches what needs to be done and then assigns and does, and the one who’s waiting to be told what to do and then has their complaints about the assignment. And I think the most important piece is not to get sidetracked by the item at hand, but really by the dynamic. The power issues, the gender issues, the trust issues- it’s all those things that are being discussed, disguised in the laundry pile.”
I’m preparing to lead our next LOVE SCHOOL session around this topic, so if you want to be part of the conversation, register for LOVE SCHOOL before Monday, February 24, or join us afterwards to listen to the recording.
Wendy Meets Peter Pan
If you look back at the history of people who wind up in relationships where one person feels like they’re parenting a partner who is acting like an irresponsible child and the other feels like they’re being nagged by an annoying, intrusive, controlling mother, you can see the roots in early childhood. Take Wendy and Peter Pan. Peter Pan never wants to grow up. He’s happy in Neverland, doesn’t trust adults, and wants to stay a kid forever. Wendy, on the other hand, is working way too hard to not only parent Peter Pan but also the other kids under her care.
We might say Wendy was the parentified child, saddled way too early with too much responsibility and falsely empowered by those adult responsibilities. Peter Pan might have been the coddled child, overly protected, not allowed to grow up, not given enough responsibility or held to account to follow through on developmental tasks. They simultaneously seek each other out- Wendy, so she can get her jollies off controlling Peter, and Peter so he can get the mother he never had and have someone who will take care of him. But they also make each other eye-rollingly nuts. Peter makes Wendy’s life harder than it already is, and Peter doesn’t like being told what to do.
When we took on too much responsibility too young, we often wind up seeking out someone else we can help, rescue, control, or take responsibility for. It’s what’s familiar, even if we don’t always like it or feel burdened by all that responsibility.
Likewise, if we were infantalized in childhood, if a caregiver interfered with our healthy individuation, if we weren’t allowed to make our own decisions and deal with the natural consequences of those decisions, if we were coercively controlled and given no autonomy, we might seek out competent but controlling people who will step in and handle things. But then, nobody ever really likes being controlled and rebellion is common.
As described in this article about ADHD-affected relationships:
“Almost without exception, a toxic communication pattern develops in ADHD-affected relationships that I call the parent trap. Rooted in exasperation and annoyance, the non-ADHD partner consistently approaches the ADHD partner as a critical, punitive parent would a misbehaving child. The message often sounds like, “Why can’t you remember? I’ve told you a thousand times,” or “How could you do that again? Won’t you ever learn?” Defensiveness sets in and the ADHD partner will likely respond in a defiant, childlike manner with some form of a hands-on-hip stance and a “You’re not the boss of me!” comeback.
For both partners, this communication pattern includes verbal cues—raised voices, emphatic intonation, and strong patterns of speech. But it especially involves “back-door” messages that incorporate numerous nonverbal expressions–eye rolls, grimaces, frowns, deep sighs. Body language also comes into play with arms crossed across the chest, hands on hips, pointed fingers, and foot-tapping. Unless it is purposefully curbed, the parent/child pattern is likely to escalate, and all communication will drift in this direction.”
Sound familiar? Do you recognize this dynamic in any of your relationships? Maybe you’re the Wendy to your own Peter Pan? Or maybe you’re the feckless Peter Pan who gets annoyed when you feel like someone’s trying to pressure you to grow up? Maybe you’re the non-ADHD partner in a mixed neurotype relationship and you’re exasperated with your partner and burned out from over-caregiving? Maybe you’re the ADHD partner and you’re just so sick of getting talked down to, as if you’re not doing the best you can already? Maybe you have an adult child living at home and you recognize some of these dynamics, or you play out this pattern with a housemate or best friend.
If so, this is the juicy, cringey pattern what we’ll be diving into on Monday in LOVE SCHOOL. We’ll be talking about the origins of such dynamics, as well as what you can do about to begin to interrupt these patterns. We’ll be doing our IFS practices to get to know the parts that play into these patterns and discover which parts underlie these protector part behaviors. And we’ll be approaching this dynamic from as compassionate and non-pathologizing a lens as possible. Because shaming people for behaviors they’re already embarrassed about or feeling hopeless about never made anyone heal- ever.
If you know anyone who might wish to join us, please pass this along and invite them!
In case you don’t join us, I’ll leave you with one tip that can help you interrupt this pattern. BOUNDARIES. If you’re excessively caregiving and feeling resentful about it, remember- resentment is always on you. As I describe in this article about the difference between anger and resentment, healthy anger arises when someone else crosses your boundaries. Resentment, on the other hand, is the emotion we feel when we’re crossing our own boundaries or not expressing our edge to other people.
If you feel resentment, ask yourself, “Where am I overfunctioning beyond what I’m in consent for?” It’s fine if you’re choosing to help out. But if you’re in consent, you shouldn’t get the resentment backlash. Resentment means at least some of your parts are out of consent- and they’re punishing you for not being more firm with your boundaries. It’s not fair to then dump that resentment on someone else when you’ve said yes to helping out.
If you’re on the other end and you’re expecting someone to carry more than their fair share of the load, either because you struggle to do what they do so competently or you get overwhelmed with adult responsibilities or it’s just easier to default the big stuff to someone else, just notice where you’re genuinely struggling and really do need help versus where you’ve just given up trying to pitch in equally. If you really do need help because of a neurodivergent nervous system, you might need to spread out your need and get others to pick up the slack so you don’t overburden one person who’s suffering from caregiver burnout. And if the person helping to caregive you is overwhelmed and starts setting boundaries, support their boundaries, rather than having a fit when they hold their boundaries or stop doing something you’ve gotten used to having them do.
Just like someone with cancer deserves extra care, some people need more help than others because of differently-abled nervous systems. But just like those caregiving someone on a cancer journey need caregiving support and permission for self care, caregiving needs to be spread out. It’s too much for one person to take on the responsibilities of two people’s lives.
I know it can be hard if you’re relying on someone else to perform tasks competently- because if they don’t, it negatively impacts you. And I know it’s also hard to feel like you’re never getting things quite right, so you start to doubt your own competence and lose trust in your ability to remember tasks, follow through on them, and perform at a high level.
Just remember- the parent trap isn’t good for anyone once the kids have grown up.
I’m working on what I’ll be sharing in LOVE SCHOOL, but I’m curious what has worked for you all when you find yourself feeling like you’re caring for an adult dependent who is supposed to be your equal or when you feel like someone is looking down on you like you’re an irresponsible child. How do you rebalance dynamics like those?
