2 weeks into 2024.
Crazy.
Crazy that time flies, and how the first two weeks of this year were marred with negative news – earthquake in Japan, plane crash, tuberculosis cluster, layoffs…
On a personal front, negativity hits again. First week of the year set out ok, I was hyping myself up – new year, new thoughts – good thoughts only.
The second week got me back to old thinking. Anxiety and self doubts are creeping in again. I previously mentioned in my end 2023 review post that company is undergoing restructuring and my job security is unknown.
Closing in to my mid 30s (to think I started this blog in my mid 20s) is scary. I didn’t feel like I’ve grown. As much as my networth increased from $200k in 2016 to $819k in 2023, I surely didn’t feel that I’ve grown better.
As I age, I feel more depressed. I don’t know what I am living for.
For now, work is a key part of my life. And work thoughts consumed most of my time. The current outlook in my company, competition with peers, make me feel lousy. I couldn’t sleep well because I kept thinking of the little things that happened at work – how I was perceived, did I show that I’m good enough to be safe from layoff, how I am deemed old and senior already and need to prove my worth and my compensation more etc. There are work politics that makes me feel uneasy.
Age is now my issue. I worry that I can’t find another job that pays. I moved out of a managerial role and took on this IC role – I like it because I don’t enjoy managing upwards – but I don’t know if I can find another IC role that pays. I’m not in a niche job. I know I am getting expensive, and I’m just in my early 30s.
I tried to stop my thoughts, but new thoughts crop up and by the time I fall into sleep, the alarm rang.
In a bid to save myself, I signed up for counselling. There will be 6 sessions. I just attended session 1 where I shared my fragmented thoughts. There were many pieces bothering me – work, my stagnant life stage, meaning of life etc.
Session 2 starts with therapy. I will be asked what’s important in my life – I really don’t know. It’s going to be the cliche few – parents good health, financial stability, me and my husband good health. Is that all to uncovering the meaning of my life?
I can only wait to see how the subsequent sessions pan out.
How did your first two weeks of 2024 went?
