Prefatory Note: To close out the month of February I’m pleased to share with all of you a pilot for a TV sitcom I recently wrote. It’s based off a Friday Funny post that was kind of a weird fever-dream sort of thing during the pandemic and I’m honestly not even sure if it’s on the website anymore (SHG does the post title here ring a bell? Just curious.)[Ed. Note: It’s here.].
Anyway I wanted to bring Glen the Grocery Store Greeter to the modern era and try to make him funny today. Hope you enjoy this because next week shit’s going to get weird.—CLS
COLD OPEN
INT. VOLUNTEER VALUE MART – ENTRANCE – NIGHT
The store hums with late-night shoppers—tired parents, college kids, and a guy in pajamas buying beer. GLEN HARRIS (30s, wiry, quick smirk, wearing a faded orange apron) stands by the sliding doors, greeting with a mix of charm and sass. His name tag: “Glen – Ask Me Anything.”
GLEN
(to a MOM with a screaming toddler)
Welcome to Volunteer Value Mart, where the deals are great and the meltdowns are free. Need a cart or a tranquilizer?
The MOM laughs despite herself, grabbing a cart. A COLLEGE KID with a vape strolls in.
GLEN
Hey, Juul Caesar, welcome back. aisle five’s got your ramen fix. Don’t set off the smoke alarm again.
The KID grins sheepishly. Suddenly, a LOUD CRASH from the canned goods aisle. Glen sighs, mutters.
GLEN
Perfect. Night shift’s already a circus, and now the clowns are loose.
He heads toward the noise as the screen cuts to the title: GLEN THE GREETER.
ACT ONE
INT. VOLUNTEER VALUE MART – MANAGER’S OFFICE – NIGHT
Glen sits across from BRENDA (50s, perpetually frazzled manager) in a cluttered office. She’s holding a dented can of peas.
BRENDA
Glen, explain why I’ve got a customer claiming you told him to “shove his complaint where the sun don’t shine”?
GLEN
(deadpan)
He was yelling about expired coupons while blocking the door. I suggested an alternative storage option. Politely.
BRENDA
(rubs temples)
You’re a greeter, not a comedian. Just say “hello,” point ‘em to the aisles, and keep your mouth shut about their anatomy.
GLEN
So, smile like a robot and let the idiots run wild? Brenda, I’m the only thing keeping this place from turning into Lord of the Flies.
BRENDA
One more incident, Glen, and you’re on cart duty in the snow.
GLEN
(mock salute)
Yes, ma’am. Smiles only. No sass. Pinky swear.
INT. VOLUNTEER VALUE MART – ENTRANCE – LATER
Glen’s back at his post, forcing a grin. JIMMY (20s, lanky cashier) leans over.
JIMMY
Heard you’re on thin ice. Told you not to mess with Coupon Carl.
GLEN
Guy’s got a binder thicker than the Bible and half the grace. I’m doing society a favor.
A SHADY GUY in a hoodie slips in, hands shoved deep in pockets. Glen clocks him but sticks to “greeting.”
GLEN
Welcome to Value Mart, buddy. Steal anything, and I’ll personally gift-wrap you for security.
The GUY smirks and heads off. Jimmy chuckles.
JIMMY
Real subtle, Glen.
ACT TWO
INT. VOLUNTEER VALUE MART – PRODUCE AISLE – NIGHT
Glen helps MISS EDNA (80s, feisty regular) pick tomatoes. She’s got opinions.
MISS EDNA
These tomatoes look like they’ve been sittin’ here since Nixon. You oughta fire your supplier.
GLEN
Miss Edna, I’d fire the whole world for you, but I just wave at folks. Want me to smuggle you some from the back?
She cackles. A SCREAM cuts through—near the registers. Glen bolts over.
INT. VOLUNTEER VALUE MART – CHECKOUT – CONTINUOUS
The SHADY GUY from earlier is stuffing candy bars into his pants, arguing with Jimmy.
SHADY GUY
Mind your business, kid!
GLEN
(arriving)
Hey, Candy Pants, welcome to the part where you don’t rob my store. Drop it, or I drop you into next week.
The GUY hesitates, then bolts. Glen grabs a broom, trips him into a display of ramen. Customers cheer. Brenda storms in.
BRENDA
Glen! What did I just say?!
GLEN
Technically, I didn’t sass him. I just… creatively greeted him into submission.
INT. VOLUNTEER VALUE MART – BREAK ROOM – LATER
Glen sits with Jimmy and LUCIA (30s, tough-as-nails stocker), eating stale donuts.
LUCIA
You’re gonna get canned, man. Brenda’s got no chill.
GLEN
Worth it. That guy’s been hitting every store on the block. Someone’s gotta draw the line.
JIMMY
Yeah, but why’s it always you?
GLEN
‘Cause I’m the only one dumb enough to care about this dump.
He smirks, but there’s truth in it.
ACT THREE
INT. VOLUNTEER VALUE MART – ENTRANCE – NIGHT
Closing time nears. Glen greets a LAST CUSTOMER when Brenda approaches, softer now.
BRENDA
Security’s got your candy thief. Cops are on the way. You’re lucky it worked out.
GLEN
Luck’s got nothing to do with it. I’m a greeter with principles.
BRENDA
(almost smiles)
Maybe we need a “greeter with attitude” position. Just… dial it back, huh?
GLEN
No promises.
They share a look. Glen turns to the empty store, satisfied.
GLEN
(to himself)
Welcome to my kingdom, Knoxville.
Upbeat music swells. Fade out.
END TAG
EXT. VOLUNTEER VALUE MART – PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Glen locks up, finds a stray coupon on the ground. He pockets it.
GLEN
Never know when Miss Edna’ll need a deal.
He walks off, whistling.
FADE TO BLACK.
So what did you guys think? Pretty good, right? No? Well then piss off. I thought it was funny and I’m the one who wrote the damn jokes.
Anyway have a great weekend and come back here next week for something weirder that involves 100% more zombies. Probably. Anyway it’s really weird and you don’t want to miss it.
But not as weird as leaving your Christmas tree up until the first of March. Which is totally not something I’ve ever done or am in the process of doing and even if I was you shouldn’t judge.
See you next week, everybody!
