“You’re Bambi,” my dearly departed husband loved to tease when someone hurt my feelings or took advantage of me.
Not the most endearing of pet names, but Bambi accurately described my nature – vulnerable, sensitive, and a bit naïve to the predatory hunters of this world. And yet, like Bambi, I also returned into spring after surviving many winter tragedies, like my mother’s untimely death when I was a doe-eyed young adult.
Given the frequency and severity of many predators’ attempts to harm me (physically, emotionally, financially, and socially), I have developed a thicker hide and a greater capacity for forgiveness, a process that helps me find inner peace.
My Path to Forgiveness
Over the years, my Bambi nature has become both a blessing and a curse. On the blessing side, kindred spirits behold me as a safe confidante; on the curse side, malicious predators eye me as a bully target.
Don’t get me wrong. Like a deer, I can abandon my normal peaceful stance when I perceive a serious threat, particularly one I find morally objectionable. The deer hunter on my path usually freezes in the headlights because I don’t lash out in anger. Instead, I attack with cold logic and indisputable facts, generally resulting in the hunter’s quiet, unrepentant retreat – necessitating my need to forgive.
Fortunately, I am a psychologist who actively bucks mental health stigma and openly seeks counseling and spiritual direction. Consequently, I learned to let go of petty annoyances quickly so only the serious offenses rented space in my mind, and usually for only one winter season.
However, shortly after our wedding, my late husband and I were pommeled with assaults that ultimately contributed to his untimely death four years later. Alone in the dangerous forest, my wounds from those assaults festered to the point of causing emotional distress, mental fog, physical ailments and crisis of faith.
During the middle of a long “dark night of the soul,” I discerned God’s call to forgive. “Here I am, Lord,” was my slow but steady response as I returned to regular faith practice, while seeking spiritual direction for help with forgiveness and grief counseling to address many losses.
After a year, my return to spring became evident. I lost 80 pounds, resumed writing, volunteered, made my stage debut in a community theater production and pursued a plethora of social activities. As a result, my functional depression lifted, my anger dissipated, and my spirit brightened – all because I actively pursued the practice of forgiveness.
What is Forgiveness?
“Forgiveness is the cure that heals the poisons of resentment.” Pope Francis
From my humble perspective as a psychologist, I believe forgiveness is a very difficult process of letting go of anger and resentment resulting from another person’s sinful transgressions against us. It does not mean forgetting, justifying or tolerating predatory behavior inflicted on us. Nor does it necessitate the continuation of a relationship with the person who hurt us.
We have all heard the misguided advice to “forgive and forget.” In truth, we are not biologically wired to forget harmful incidents. We remember them (and become triggered with any action resembling them) as an evolutionary survival mechanism. After all, Bambi likely learned to steer clear of hunters. The goal of forgiveness is to clear our minds and hearts of the burdening thoughts and emotions that can undermine our sense of inner peace.
When to Forgive
In my personal experience and professional practice, I have observed these common signs when someone needs to forgive.
Rumination
Persistent focus on past grievances with no shift in attitude.
Misplaced Anger
Also termed displaced anger, where a minor incident blows up into verbal rage, threats or physical violence while the real issues remain unaddressed, often fueling further incidents. Check out this questionnaire to gain insight into your anger style.
Prejudice
Generalizing one bad experience with one group member to an entire group
Low Self Esteem
Often indicative of the need to forgive oneself
Spiritual Problems
Impaired relationship with God and reduced/abandoned faith practices
Physical Ailments
Headaches, GI distress, back problems, heart palpitations, hypertension. More serious problems include cancer, heart disease, stroke, autoimmune disorders, liver disease and chronic pain.
Cognitive Impairments
Poor attention, memory lapses, disorganization, poor time management
Psychological Issues
Anxiety, addiction (substances or activities like work), depression, insomnia
Behavioral
Compulsive activity (constant busyness, passive aggression (thinly veiled insults disguised as jokes) procrastination, inefficiency, reduced creativity, strained relationships.
How to Forgive
Identify who needs to be forgiven.
Very often, more than one person needs to be forgiven – the offending person, people actively or tacitly encouraging the offending person, and even ourselves. We also may feel anger at God. Of course, God does not need to be forgiven because He does not sin against us. However, we may project our sinful beliefs that God harms us and need to challenge our thought processes. In short, we need to clarify all who truly need to be forgiven, including those who fall prey to societal pressures.
Grieve the related losses.
Often when others hurt us, we lose something – maybe our idealistic world view, our reputation, our supportive herd, our resources or our pride. It is important to clarify and acknowledge the suffering caused by the offending parties. Although this is best accomplished through talking to a trusted person or group, it can be achieved through writing or artistic expression.
Stand up to predators!
We should never allow ourselves to be used or abused. If trapped in such a situation, please seek professional help. We all can call upon the power animal that resides within us. Remember that forgiveness is never about tolerating evil behavior. It is about letting go of the toxic remains from sinful transgressions we have suffered.
Always acknowledge, “There but for the grace of God go I.”
Conduct a moral inventory of your misdeeds and consider the reasons you caused harm to others in your past. Often, we may not be fully aware of the impact our actions have on others. Remember, we all have a predator within us. This can help us to view others with less judgment.
Put things in perspective.
Taking the plank out of our own eyes will help us to discern the speck in the other person’s eye. Perhaps physical pain or emotional upset distracted the party in the wrong. Not many of us humans can emulate Bambi’s mother’s altruism as she urged her beloved son to seek safety shortly before she got shot.
Identify secondary gains for holding resentment.
Often, we hold onto anger or negative emotions to reduce the impact of loss, bolster our self- esteem, or distract us from deeper issues. Loosening the grip of these traps can help us shed unnecessary emotional baggage.
Communicate your concerns to the offending party.
People often have little awareness of the impact their words and deeds have on others. Sometimes, a simple statement or request may resolve the problem. If the hunter persists, you know you took the high path and did your part, even if the relationship is too harmful to sustain.
Recognize other’s limitations and lower the bar.
So often, my clients complain about narcissistic family members or friends. By definition, people with this disorder are emotionally immature and lack the capacity to empathize or understand another person’s perspective. Unlike Bambi’s mother, they can only view situations from their own self-centered world view.
Not everyone will be as perfect as you perceive yourself to be. Cut them some slack. If the offenses are minor, consider sending them a card with words of endearment.
Practice Gratitude.
Consider the positive things the offending person has done for you. Is the offense in question simply a lapse in generally kind behavior or is there a pattern of hurtful behavior with this person?
Accept that forgiveness does not require reconciliation.
Some relationships are simply toxic and best avoided. If someone leads you astray from your sacred values, cut the ties. All God’s creatures thrive with loving, respectful and healing connections.
View the situation globally.
Often, hurtful situations may yield positive results in the long run. Getting fired from that dead-end job may be God’s nudge to pursue His work. Regardless, use the season of spring to seek new opportunities to serve Our Lord.
Remember to forgive yourself!
Perhaps the toughest challenge is to forgive ourselves for our own predatory lapses. Most of us want to see ourselves as essentially good, so we dart from the pain of facing our moral weaknesses through various addictions or escape activities. But we can apply all these ideas to ourselves so we can experience the joy of Easter Hope and Love.
Pray for the people who hurt you.
Yes, yes – easier said than done. A good prayer formula is “I forgive (insert name) from the bottom of my heart, and I humbly ask God to bless them” You may need to repeat this prayer seventy times seven times before you can say it with the sincerity of a deer. Explore this website for more prayer ideas.
Consider taking the online anger management course on this website.
($4.99 for all courses).
Humbly ask for God’s help.
Fr. Patrick Brennan, who authored this excellent book on forgiveness, once shared his belief that we humans are incapable of forgiveness without the Grace of God.
Start this season of spring with a mustard seed of forgiveness in your heart. Fawn over it and watch it grow into a dearly beloved bush of faith, hope and love, the true essence of Bambi.
© 2025 Jessica Loftus
