Do you ever feel like you are on the train of life and you aren’t sure which emotional stop you should hop off? Do you feel happy one second and depleted the next? It isn’t that you are depressed, it’s just life is moving and throwing stuff at you faster than you have time to respond and or recover, heal, absorb.
Your thought train arrives at the terminal of this wonderful thing has happened and you are about to get off and really sit with your happiness and enjoy the moments that lead you to this state of euphoria when all of a sudden, the train speeds up, flies passed the stop and then halts at the next stop, and this stop, is the stop of verbal insults. A stop you are pretty sure you weren’t planning on stopping at.
Now you are in a waiting room, waiting for the next train to come and get you the heck out of here. Sitting in your sadness and completely unable to remember the happy thing that just happened because now someone or something has come along and robbed your joy. And as you sit here, trying to remember how you got here, you put on the fake face of “I’m okay” as other passengers walk by, smiling and clearly not aware that this is the sad stop and the happy stop was at the last station.
You try to think about something else. You allow your mind to wander. Before you know it you’ve forgotten what had you so upset but now you are upset about something that happened last year that you feel like never got resolved. You close your eyes, try to forget it and think about something else and then you remember that thing your co-worker did last week that really upset you. You redirect again and now you remember that your spouse didn’t kiss you goodbye this morning because they were in a hurry and now you are planning your divorce.
Does this sound familiar? Ugh… this has been my life for the last 5 years. I’ve ridden a million thought trains to the point I think the engine of this train is about to explode. Has your brain ever actually hurt from thinking too much? Are you an overthinker like I am? I recently learned overthinking is a trauma response. I am constantly scanning my surroundings to see if I am safe. How sad, that I haven’t felt safe in over 5 years. I’m thankful though, to know now, what it is and I’m prepared to do something about it.
I’ve been consistently writing for 9 years now. I’ve written about all of the good things God has done and I’ve even shared some of my heartache and how God has used it for His glory. I am still shouting from the mountain top, He is King! However, I haven’t been forthcoming with all of the bad that has come along with it. And honestly, I pushed so much of it down, while wearing the “fake face” that allowing it to resurface so I can sit with it and truly heal, has been excruciating. Hence the overthinking thought train has been derailed.
I’ve done my best to keep it together. I’ve pushed through every day and done what I have had to do to survive and not give up… but if I take a minute or a month and really sit with this… it has been one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. Taking your thoughts captive doesn’t feel natural. And taking them captive so you won’t have to deal with them anymore is even harder.
If you are an overthinker like I am, your first question may be, how did I finally come to a point where I actually feel safe enough to sit with my mind and allow myself to go back to the perilous hall of destructive thoughts and get rid of them? The answer is simple in words but more tedious in actions. I restored my relationship with God.
Before something can be rebuilt, you have to first acknowledge that it is broken. I had damaged my relationship with God. My choices, my actions and my words separated myself from Him and lead me down a dark path. I still believed, I still prayed but even the devil believes in God. Let that sink in.
I was repeating a familiar cycle. I was trying to fill a void that only God can fill. This time I wasn’t depressed. I was scared. After my separation, I stopped trusting God. I blamed Him for allowing it to happen. As I allowed the separation from God to continue I found myself constantly questioning everything. This is where the overthinking started. I no longer felt safe. I was constantly checking my surroundings to see if I was safe. I allowed myself to be taken advantage of by multiple people thus contributing to feeling unsafe and never really being able to fully enjoy the somewhat happy moments that God was trying to give to me, to bring me back into relationship with Him.
See, He never leaves us. He is always there, patiently waiting for us to come to our senses and fall back in love with Him. He still opens doors of opportunities for us to walk through and come back… unfortunately too many of us are stubborn and have to do things the hard way.
I had to allow myself to get completely mentally beat up before I realized what was going on. After being the victim of several verbal attacks from multiple people that supposedly cared about me and loved me… I laid before God… yes literally… laid out, sobbing my eyes out and questioning every single choice I have made in the last 5 years, I threw my hands up like I was throwing a baseball, and tossed all of it at God. I said, I can’t do it anymore, I’m tired of it… I’m tired of people treating me this way and my mind never resting because I’m riding the train of never ending scenarios, checking whether or not I am safe. I want to feel safe again.
I felt a tingle from my head to my toes. Peace washed over me like a flood of warm water, relaxing my entire mind… for a moment. Haha! If it was only that easy. I praise God for that moment. It reminded me how safe I am in His presence, wrapped in His arms and spoken to through His Word. The safest place in the world to be… in God.
I read a quote today that said this, “Every pattern in your life repeats until you learn the lesson. The moment you choose differently, the loop ends and growth begins.”
I was tired of riding that thought train of despair. I was tired of overthinking every single word that was said to me. I decided to take back control of my thinking. My mind, my choice. The bible says in Philippians 4:8 ” Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”
It’s a tall order. We can’t stop life from lifing. We can’t stop those around us from saying hurtful things. We can’t stop the evil thought darts the enemy aims so perfectly at our minds… but we can control what to do with them once they enter. After all… it is our mind! We can choose to meditate on those negative thoughts or we can choose to redirect our thoughts to one of the aforementioned. And – once we start doing that our moods will automatically lift and that once overwhelming thought train of unpredictability will be forced to stop jerking us around.
2 Corinthians 10:5 says, “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”
We have the power to take our thoughts captive and force them into submission. It isn’t an easy process but it is doable.
Sitting with my thoughts and taking them captive and redirecting them has helped tremendously, but there have been other changes too that I’ve had to make. It is proven, the music you listen to, the things you watch on social media, TV etc… the language of others around you, how you allow others to treat you, the places you hang around, your environment… so many things contribute to your thoughts and your mental health AND the good news is… you can control those things too.
When you do, you notice the peaceful mind you longed for is there. I encourage you today, start making the choices that will help you, not hurt you. And also remember… Don’t Give Up.
