One night while my four kids were in various stages of bathing, showering, or getting ready for bed, I took a sweep through the house to corral the never-ending stream of clutter. As I bent down next to the couch to scoop up a pile of LEGOs, something on the couch caught my eye.
A streak of vivid purple.
As I slowly stood up, my eyes followed the trail of purple to where one of our cats was lying on the back of the couch. Her entire left side was covered in purple paint.
That’s when I connected the dots. Earlier that day, my 10-year-old budding artist had asked if she could paint a canvas—one of her absolute favorite things to do. “Yep,” I’d said. “As long as you clean it up after.”
Spoiler alert: She didn’t clean it up after. And now our leather couch was sporting purple stripes, plus our cat had apparently entered her punk phase?
Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get a free cheat sheet of the 110 most powerful compliments for kids to boost their self-worth.
Here’s the Good News (And the Bad)
Thanks to a miraculous infusion of patience I didn’t know I had, I managed not to lose my temper or even raise my voice, and personally, I consider that a parenting win.
In a calm tone, I made my points. “If you want to be able to paint, you need to take responsibility for cleaning it up after.”
She hung her head and in a small voice said, “I know.”
“When you finish an activity, you can’t just wander off to start something new. You need to put things away first. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened.”
“I know,” she repeated. Then in an even smaller voice: “I’m just bad at remembering stuff.”
My heart squeezed. “Hey.”
She looked up, and I pulled her in for a hug. “You’re not bad at remembering. It’s normal for kids to forget stuff like that. It’ll get easier.”
But later, her words kept coming back to me. I wondered: Are my nagging reminders making my child think less of herself? Should I be complimenting her more often? Am I adding fuel to the fire of her inner critic?
Related: 101 Heartfelt and Simple Ways to Love Your Child Every Day
What You Need to Know About Your Child’s Self-Worth
As parents, we want our children to grow up to be healthy, happy, and confident, and an essential component of a child’s mental health is their self-worth.
Here’s why: When a person possesses self-worth, that means they evaluate themselves as an inherently valuable, capable human being who’s worthy of respect, compassion, and love. Self-esteem also feeds into self-worth because high self-esteem means feeling confident in your own abilities and strengths.
As you might imagine, research shows that children with high self-worth and high self-esteem are more likely to be happy and confident. In fact, low self-worth or self-esteem can lead to depression in kids. But high self-worth and self-esteem are so powerful they can even increase a child’s relationship and job satisfaction later in life.
How Do You Boost Your Child’s Self-Worth?
With self-worth being so important to your child’s mental health, happiness, and confidence, you might be wondering what you can do to nurture it.
Here’s the good news: Parental warmth boosts your child’s self-worth. That includes displaying affection, being responsive to your child’s needs, and encouraging them with the most effective kind of praise.
But as it turns out, some types of praise can actually hurt your child’s self-worth and self-esteem.
Which Compliments for Kids Will Nurture Self-Worth?
Below, I’ll share a handy list of the best compliments for kids that work to boost their self-worth, but first, here are a few guidelines to help you come up the best compliments for your child:
- Be sincere. Kids can see through over-the-top compliments and praise, and that kind of praise can hurt more than help.
- Be specific. Imagine how it would feel to hear a loved one deliver a generic “Good job!” as opposed to something like this: “Wow. You ran into a tough problem, and you worked through it. That took perseverance.” When someone pays attention like that, you feel seen and understood. That kind of specific encouragement is way more powerful than generic compliments or phrases.
- Compliment your child’s actions and choices. Praise your child for what they can control. Likewise, avoid praising your child’s abilities. Phrases like “You’re so smart” can undermine your child’s motivation, damage their self-esteem, and even foster narcissism. To learn more, check out Here’s the Secret Phrase to Turn Your Kid Into an Amazing Student. (Hint: It’s not “You’re so smart.”)
- Less is more. You don’t need to shower your child in compliments every time they do something—especially when it’s something they enjoy doing. Too much praise can even decrease their motivation. Also, if you tend to use the same compliments on a regular basis, those phrases can start to lose their oomph with your child. Try cutting back on those phrases for a bit and replace them with something new from the list below.
- Be careful with appearance. When a child believes most of their self-worth comes from their physical appearance, that can undermine the development of an authentic self-worth. In other words, they might believe that they are worth of respect, compassion, and love only if the people around them think they’re “cute” or “pretty” or “handsome.” When a child views themselves as an object to be evaluated based on their appearance, that’s called self-objectification, and it can lead to body image problems, eating disorders, and depression. This can be a problem for girls and boys. But our kids are cute, and it’s fun to tell them that! And so to avoid these negative effects, first pay attention to how often you’re complimenting your child’s appearance. Then try to replace some of those less powerful compliments to something else on the list below. Ideally, experts recommend avoiding compliments about your child’s physical appearance, especially their bodies. Instead, you can compliment something they can control, like the outfit they picked out or how they chose to style their hair. Above all, it’s best to avoid making any comments about your child’s weight or shape—positive or otherwise.
Pro tip: A handy trick for making sure you stick to specifics and compliment your child’s actions is to start off with “You…” then complete the sentence by describing what your child did.
Related: How to Make Your Child Feel Absolutely Loved: 75 Positive Words for Kids {Printable}
How Well Do Compliments Actually Work?
After the Purple Paint Incident, I circled back to my daughter for a follow-up conversation about what her inner critic had been telling her.
And it broke my heart to hear the phrases she’d been repeating to herself.
Can you seriously not remember that?
You’re so clumsy.
What’s wrong with you?
From then on, I made a conscious effort to compliment her every day—not on how she looks or something out of her control—but on something she made happen. If I was tucking her in at bedtime and couldn’t remember complimenting her that day, I made a rule for myself to think of one specific, heartfelt compliment and share it with her then.
I didn’t know if that was enough to drown out her inner critic’s voice, but I kept at it. Then one night at bedtime, I thought back through our day together and said, “You had the magic touch with keeping your little brother entertained today. I’m impressed.”
She smiled and said, “You always give me compliments, Mommy.”
I laughed. “Is that…okay?”
She beamed. “I love it.”
Related: 50 Cute Ways to Say “I Love You” to Your Child
110 Compliments for Kids to Boost Their Self-Worth
After that experience with my daughter, I set out to put together a list of the best 100 ways to compliment a child so that I could share it with the parents in this community. But I uncovered so many fun options that I kept the list going to 110.
These phrases work for a wide range of ages from young children to teenagers, but you know your child best, so choose the phrases you think will best lift up your child.
You can also get a free printable list of the best compliments for kids here. You can keep this list on your nightstand, tuck it in your purse or wallet, or leave it on the driver’s seat of your car as a handy reminder for the moments when your child could use a pick-me-up.
Pro tip: If your child is feeling frustrated or discouraged, compliments typically won’t help. In those situations, you need to first validate their struggle. Check out The Most Encouraging Words for Kids: 125 Phrases That Actually Work for the best phrases to use during or after their struggle.
- You give the best hugs.
- Your room looks tidier! Did you spend some time cleaning up?
- You ask such great questions.
- The world is better with you in it. (This is one of my favorite compliments for kids, so it’s featured on our sweet I Love You Bookmarks. Get the whole set so that every time your child reaches for one, they’ll feel absolutely loved.)
- I respect you and your opinions.
- You’ve been practicing hard for your game/recital/play/language class. I can see/hear the difference. (Or for younger kids: You’ve been practicing hard tying your shoes/riding your bike.)
- I love your curious mind/spirit.
- If I need a smile today, I’m going to remember… (Finish with a funny or sweet thing your child said or did.)
- You make me smile.
- You got ready so fast this morning!
- I love hearing you read aloud to me.
- There’s only one you in the world.
- I love your imagination!
- I noticed you working hard on… (Finish with a specific example when you noticed your child pushing themselves to learn, grow, or finish something.)
- You make life fun.
- I love spending time with you.
- Your art/writing always puts a smile on my face. Can you tell me more about how you made/wrote this? (Alternative: What gave you the idea to create this? Or: How did you think to do that? Or: What’s your favorite part?)
- You’re an important part of this family.
- You worked hard on that. Do you feel proud of yourself? (Alternative: It looks like you feel proud. Or: I bet you feel proud.)
- You waited patiently for your turn. I know it’s hard to wait.
- Sometimes if I’m feeling sad, just thinking of you makes me feel better.
- You really took your time on…to do it well. (Fill in with something that your child was focused on or worked hard on.)
- I love how you put your outfit together! It looks so cheerful/colorful/sophisticated/comfortable.
- I enjoy listening to your stories.
- I feel so lucky to be your mom/dad.
- Your creativity amazes me.
- I could tell you were really focused when you… (Finish with something your child was focusing on, like making art, tying their shoes, riding their bike, and so on.)
- I’m so grateful you’re my daughter/son.
- You want to try to do this by yourself, and that shows you’re growing up.
- I’m proud of the person you are.
- I love to hear/see how passionate you are about… (Finish with whatever your child is passionate about and loves to talk about.)
- Your creativity/personality shines through in your artwork/writing.
- I love how you did your hair today.
- I love to watch you… (Then give an activity your child enjoys, like play soccer, get wrapped up in reading a book, make art, play your clarinet, and so on.)
- You have the best laugh/smile.
- Every morning, I look forward to getting to see you.
- You got your homework done right away. That must feel good to have that out of the way!
- You make my heart feel full.
- You tell the best jokes!
- Your art/writing makes my heart happy. Thank you for sharing it with me.
- The jewelry/belt/socks/shoes you picked out today are a nice touch. (Alternative: That [accessory] goes great with your outfit.)
- You’re one of a kind.
- I could watch you…all day! (Fill in with an activity your child enjoys, like play soccer, dance, make art, play the piano, and so on.)
- I love your sense of style.
- Seeing you smile makes me smile.
- Picking you up from school and hearing about your day is something I look forward to.
- I’m grateful that you’re in my life.
- I love your sense of humor.
- I can tell you really enjoy… (Finish with whatever your child loves to do.)
- You’re always so willing to try new things. That makes life with you extra fun.
- I love hearing your ideas.
- It’s you I like. Every part of you. (Perfect for fans of Mister Rogers!)†
- I love walking into a room and seeing you engrossed in a book.
- You’re always on the move. I love your energy!
- I have fun when I’m with you.
- You inspire me to be a better person.
- I love getting to hear how you think through a problem.
- You make a difference in my life.
- Just seeing your face makes me smile.
- You are my favorite 5-year-old.
- I love your enthusiasm for… (Finish with whatever your child is passionate about.)
- You look really well put-together today.
- I love seeing the world through your eyes.
- You are a precious treasure to me.
- I love the colors you chose for your artwork.
- You are wonderful, just the way you are.
- I admire your persistence in solving that problem.
- I love being around you, no matter what we’re doing.
- One of my favorite times of every day is when we snuggle at bedtime.
- I love the way your mind works.
- Thank you for sharing your artwork/writing with me. Can I put it up on the fridge? (Alternative: Can I put it in your portfolio? Side note: We love these slim art portfolios and get a new one every year for each kid to display their work.)
- I love your laugh/smile.
- I’m a fan of you. (This one is inspired by our favorite pick for family movie night, We Bought a Zoo.)
- I love you just the way you are.
- I’m so grateful I got to spend today with you.
- You light up my day.
- I feel blessed to have you in my life.
- You make me happy, just by being you.
Compliments for Kids to Recognize Helpful Behavior
These phrases can nurture your child to see themselves as the type of person who helps and encourage them to make helpful choices in the future.
Quick tip: When you’re trying to encourage helpful behavior, you’ll make the most impact when you draw the connection to who your child is, like being a helper or being a kind person. Research shows that when you praise kids for being a helpful person rather than praising them just for helping, kids are much more likely to act generously in the future. Here’s why: Your words shape your child’s self-image, and by seeing themselves as “helpers” for example, they’ll be more likely to behave in a way that lives up to that self-image.
- You had an opportunity to be a helper, and you stepped up to the plate.
- I appreciate when you… (Finish with a specific example of something your child does that’s helpful or kind.)
- You’re always willing to help out when I ask. I really appreciate that.
- You shared…with your sister/brother/friend. That was generous of you. (Fill in with whatever they shared, like a cookie, a toy, crayons, and so on.)
- When I was your age, I would have loved to have a friend like you.
- You hung up your backpack/put away your shoes as soon as you got home. That helps our family have a comfy and tidy home. Thank you!
- Thank you for being a helper.
- Your kindness warms my heart.
- I saw when you… (Then give a specific example of your child doing something helpful or kind.)
- Your sister/brother/friend needed help, and you chose to be a helper. How do you think they feel now?
- When you…, that showed me you’re a team player. (Fill in with a specific example of your child doing something collaborative.)
- I appreciate that you’re such a helper.
- It feels good to be a helper, doesn’t it?
- That was a kind decision when you… (Then give a specific example of something your child did that was kind.)
- Thank you for pitching in! How does it feel to be a helper?
- I see you being a helper, and I appreciate it.
- That was a tough decision, and you made the choice to be a kind/generous/brave person.
- That’s what a thoughtful/kind/brave person does.
- I love seeing you be a helper.
- Seeing you do that makes me smile.
- You… That shows you have a big heart. (Fill in with a specific example of something your child did that was kind.)
- That was a big task/project, and you stuck to it until it was done. What a hard worker you are!
- Sometimes it’s hard to make the kind/generous/brave choice, but you did it.
- You took a moment to think about your sister/brother/friend, and you made the choice to be a helper.
- You put yourself in their shoes to feel what they were feeling. That’s called empathy, and being an empathetic person is so important.
- Friends/sisters/brothers look out for each other, and that’s exactly what you did.
- I love seeing you work together.
- You have a kind/generous heart. You inspire me.
- Your choices matter, and you made the kind/generous/brave choice.
- When you cleaned up the toys/loaded the dishwasher, that showed me that you’re a helper.
- You are an example to your friends/siblings.
- Your sister/brother/friend was upset, and you comforted them/gave them a hug. You’re such a caring sibling/friend.
Get Your Free Cheat Sheet: 110 Compliments for Kids
When your child could use a pick-me-up, use this cheat sheet of the most powerful compliments for kids to help boost their self-worth.
- Get the free cheat sheet. Join my weekly-ish newsletter and as a bonus, you’ll get the printable! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
- Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock would be ideal.
- Keep your cheat sheet somewhere handy like in your nightstand or in your purse or wallet.
- Say a phrase to your child. Your loving words will help boost your child’s self-worth, which is important to their mental health, happiness, and confidence. (Quick reminder: For the best experience, compliment your child’s actions and be as specific as possible.)
Here’s a sneak peek of your printable cheat sheet:
Your Turn
What are your go-to compliments for kids? Share in a comment below!
