Soon after my youngest turned five, he set something into motion that nurtured his emotional wellbeing in a powerful way, although I didn’t realize it at the time.
One morning after he’d eaten breakfast and his big sisters were still sleeping, he picked out two children’s books and came into my bedroom where I was catching up on email.
“Will you read these to me?” he asked in a small voice, almost like he was preparing himself for the “I’m sorry, I’m busy right now” that was sure to come.
But for whatever reason that day, I looked at my youngest child and pictured him five years older, sleeping in like his sisters and no longer asking me to read to him. So instead of mentally reviewing my long to-do list, I caught myself.
I smiled. “Sure, buddy.”
He lit up. We climbed into my bed, got under the covers, and read together, just the two of us. And that was the start of a cozy morning routine that’s still going to this day. All it takes is 10 minutes, but every morning, he bounces away smiling—the 5-year-old embodiment of Tigger energy.
Which Is Cute, But…
My youngest has always been my most emotionally intense child. His feelings are big, and he lets you know it.
Several times a day whenever he gets frustrated or angry or disappointed, he wails at top volume. The storm passes fairly quickly, but it certainly is a bumpy ride when you’re in the thick of it.
But after he turned five, he started to mellow a bit. His outbursts weren’t quite so intense or quite so loud. They became fewer and further between. Plus, he was able to play independently for longer stints.
I thought we’d finally hit a developmental milestone when it came to his emotional regulation. I love how emotionally attuned my child is and I wouldn’t change him for the world, and yet it was still a relief to have fewer outbursts to navigate every day.
Then One Day, Something Changed
One weekday morning, I had a doctor’s appointment, and I had to boogie in order to get out the door on time. So when my son came in to ask me to read to him, I said I didn’t have time.
He hung his head a little but didn’t have an outburst, so I thought he was fine.
But when I got home from my appointment later that morning, it was like we’d unknowingly traveled in a time machine to a year ago.
His big feelings were front and center, exploding into outbursts at every little disappointment. He suddenly seemed incapable of playing by himself, so he repeatedly demanded his big sisters play with him, then would melt into a puddle when they couldn’t immediately drop what they were doing to play.
My husband and I tried to troubleshoot all day: Is he hungry? Is he starting to get sick? Are we in the Twilight Zone?
Related: 101 Heartfelt and Simple Ways to Love Your Child Every Day {Printable}
Can You Guess What Happened Next?
That night, my husband and I collapsed into bed a full hour before our normal bedtime, worn out from the emotional rollercoaster.
Then the next morning, my son came into my bedroom like normal, and we cozied up in bed together to read. And 10 minutes later, his love tank was full, and he was off to the races.
Thinking the previous day had signaled a developmental regression, I braced myself for the outbursts that were sure to come.
But they never did.
He was back to himself again, not the version of himself from a year ago. My brain tried to solve the puzzle: What was different about the day before? What changed?
Finally, I Connected the Dots
When we started the day with meaningful one-on-one connection, my son felt secure in my unconditional love for him. He could ride the waves of his emotions rather than getting swept away or pulled under. He was better able to play independently.
He was happier.
As a Certified Parent Educator, I know the science is clear: Children need unconditional love from their parents. Research shows that children who grow up feeling loved and accepted by their parents tend to have a healthier self-esteem, fewer behavior problems, and better academic performance.
And yet, even with all the training I’ve completed and all the families I’ve worked with, it took me a full day of racking my brain to solve the mystery of my own son’s behavioral setback.
Please Give Yourself Grace
When it’s your own child, it’s hard to see the difference that a small dose of meaningful connection can make. It’s like you’re trying to focus on a picture that’s too close to your face.
Plus, your own emotions can cloud your vision.
For example, if you’re stressed, you tend to be less responsive, so you’ll likely miss a shift in your child’s behavioral patterns that might signal a need for more connection. Instead, their outbursts or meltdowns feel like just One More Thing you need to deal with, and you might snap at your child or lose your temper. (Ask me how I know.)
And that disconnection can lead to even more emotional storms, which pushes you further apart from your child. Your child feels unmoored from the anchor of your unconditional love—and it shows in their behavior—and you feel at your wit’s end.
Related: 60 Meaningful Family Bonding Activities to Nurture a Loving Bond
So What’s the Fix?
Pay it forward to your future selves with the best morning routine for kids. Before the emotional storms—from your child or you. Before the disconnection. Before the distance feels too vast to close.
Spend 10 minutes filling your child’s tank.
You can cozy up to read a children’s book together, go for a quick walk around the block, or sit down and play a quick card game. (My favorite card game to play with younger kids is Sleeping Queens, and for older elementary kids and tweens, my go-to is Rat-a-Tat Cat or Love Letter.)
Not only will you grease the wheels for a smoother day with your child, you’ll also nurture a warm and loving parent-child relationship that will last into the teenage years and beyond.
Rat-a-Tat Cat
“My 5 year old’s current favorite is Rat a Tat Cat by Gamewright. I really like how the rules can be adapted for an ‘easy’ and ‘hard’ version of the game, giving the game more longevity!” – Patricia
But You Might Run Into This Problem
Unfortunately, when you’re busy or tired, it’s incredibly difficult to think of something fun and sweet to do to connect with your child.
Which is why I created these Family Connection Cards, based on the science of what actually works when you need to connect with your child. These cards remove the mental burden of figuring out how to connect so you can focus on enjoying the meaningful moment with your child.
You can keep the cards anywhere in your home—on your kitchen counter, your nightstand, or next to your phone charger—and pick a card once a morning or any time you notice your child is acting moody or not cooperative.
With these cards in your parenting toolbox, you’ll make your child feel absolutely loved and stop the power struggles caused by disconnection—in just 10 minutes a day.
What About…?
If you like the idea of starting off your day with a dose of meaningful connection, but you get tripped up on the specifics of how to make it happen, this section is for you.
Our mornings are so rushed! I don’t see how I could fit this in.
To create space in your own morning routine, you can set your alarm for 10 minutes earlier. But if the issue is that your child has no extra time in the morning, try doubling up your connection time with something else already in your routine. For example:
- Before your child wakes up, cuddle up next to them in bed. After they wake up, you can ask them what they’re looking forward to that day.
- While your child eats breakfast, sit with them and read a children’s book aloud.
- While they pack their lunch or their backpack, queue up your child’s favorite playlist and kick off an impromptu family dance party.
- While you drive them to school, tell a funny story from their childhood or yours. If you can’t think of a story, ask a meaningful question to engage and connect. (Not sure what to ask? Try one of our conversation starters for kids.)
My kid is a grump in the morning. Any suggestions?
Some kids aren’t chipper in the morning, just like some adults—and that’s perfectly normal. However, it could be worth starting a conversation with your child at another time of day to find out what’s going on. You could start by saying, “I’ve noticed that you have a hard time getting up in the morning.” Or, “It seems like you’re struggling to feel calm and happy on school mornings.”
You might discover that your child isn’t getting enough sleep the night before, that they’re anxious about something happening at school, that they feel rushed in the morning and that’s engaging their fight-or-flight response, or something else.
My tween or teen is always on their phone. How can I connect with them?
Try meeting your child where they are and connecting through technology. For example, you could:
- The previous day, keep an eye out for a funny video on YouTube or TikTok that your child might enjoy. The next morning, say, “I found a video I thought you might get a kick out of.” Then hold out your phone and watch it together.
- Start a tradition of playing a phone game with your child, like Words With Friends or a chess app. Then in the morning, you could say, “Do you have a couple minutes to sit with me and play a few turns back and forth?” Or as another option, you can sit together every morning and solve that day’s Wordle to see who gets it first.
- Ask for their best finds by saying, “I could use a pick-me-up. Have you come across any funny videos this morning?” Depending on what your teen is into, replace “videos” with tweets, posts, songs, and so on.
- Seek out news and updates about what your child is into. For example, if they love Taylor Swift, check the latest gossipy tidbits on Twitter and save interesting tweets to show your child: “Hey, did you see this yet?”
If none of that works and you already have a no-phone rule in your family during meals, you can sit down with your child while they eat breakfast and just chat. You can ask them what they have going on that day, ask what they’re looking forward to (or what they’re dreading), or ask one of our conversation starters for kids.
And if that doesn’t work, you can strike up a conversation while their hands are otherwise busy and phone-free, like while they’re making their lunch or packing their backpack.
But Could It Have Been a Fluke?
A couple weeks after my epiphany, I had another busy morning where I was rushing to get ready before a virtual meeting for work.
While I could have afforded 10 minutes with my son, I was stressed and wanted to reclaim that time for myself. To make myself feel better about begging off that morning, I started to question my earlier lightbulb moment: Maybe he’d just had a bad day, and his emotional setback had nothing to do with our cozy connection time?
So when he woke up later that morning, I explained I was running late, and I didn’t have time to read right now.
Just like before, he hung his head but seemed to take the disappointment in stride.
Then 15 minutes later, his emotions boiled over because his sisters wouldn’t stop eating breakfast to play a game with him. When he got over that, he lost it a bit later when he couldn’t find the Scotch tape for an art project he’d started.
By the third outburst, I had seen enough. Skipping out on our time together was making the morning harder for my son, and instead of the extra time alleviating my stress, my decision to skip reading was adding to my stress.
I asked if he wanted to read together, and he came running into my room.
To be clear, our connection time didn’t remove all emotional upset from his day—I’m not trying to cultivate a preschool-sized robot, here! But our time together smoothed out the bumps in the road so that he (and I) could better handle whatever life threw at him, Tigger energy fully intact.
Your Turn
What’s your best tip for a positive morning routine for kids? Share in a comment below!
