New Hire
Thank you so much for coming in. Your reputation precedes you. And, quite frankly, this resume was head and shoulders above anything we expected to receive.
I’m the goat.
Um, yes indeed. Well, as you know, we hope to gain some of your expertise when it comes to connecting with younger generations–
Lowkey thirsty.
Oops, sorry. Let me get you some water. I assume Evian is acceptable? On that note, I should mention that we have a number of international clients. A growing market. By chance, do you speak any other languages?
Si.
How wonderful. So, you speak fluent Spanish?
Nah, j/k.
Apologies. Sorry, I seem to be getting a bit confused here. When you said “si,” it sounded like–
You’re extra.
Oh…thank you so much. I certainly try. Now, we did hear back from each of your professional references. And I’m not quite sure how to put this. Your reputation is – well, rave reviews is an understatement. One client called you a “wizard with words.” Multiple people referred to you as a linguistic genius–
Fire.
Certainly. Sorry, not to pry, but do you always speak in…catchphrases?
That slaps.
Oh, no no. We oppose violence – whether physical or verbal. I didn’t mean to offend you. It’s just…well…let’s move on. So, that was a no to foreign languages, correct?
Salty.
Hmm, I didn’t quite catch that one. But we can just skip to the meat of the questions. Are you at all familiar with our business model?
Go woke, go broke.
Well, I’m not sure our organization is…woke. I mean, our revenue stream comes mostly from cigarette sales. And, as a tobacco company, there’s no big secret to why you’re here. We need a new head of marketing. Our reputation has, uh, taken a bit of a hit. We believe a fresh, new voice will connect with the youth. And you are second to none in that respect. So, here’s the bottom line. We need you. It will be VERY good for business if we can learn how to speak to younger generations. Because they pretty much hate us right now.
No cap.
I mean, I don’t know exactly what our valuation cap is. Not off the top of my head. But I can have that information to you by the end of the day. Is that acceptable?
Mid.
Yes, precisely. We did reach mid-cap status this year. Thank you so much for doing your homework on us. I speak for the entire organization when I say we are honored you’ve taken such an interest.
I stan.
Again, wow. Just so impressive. Yes, internally we do expect Stanley to be our next CFO. But that information hasn’t been released publicly yet. May I ask how you even know that? I hope you don’t mind. Did you see it in the news somewhere?
Ok, boomer.
Um, excuse me. I do understand that one. And I can’t say I appreciate the insult. Not in my own office.
Sus.
Now, wait just a minute. Sus? Sus?? I have two children at home. Not much older than you, by the way. And they both already call me th—
Let ‘em cook.
Ok young man, that’s enough. Time for you to go. You can walk those hip jeans and fancy sneakers right out the door. I said hit the road! Get your Gen Z, too-cool-for-school energy out of here!! Pretty sure I have neckties older than you!!!
Cringe.
Um, hold on a second. Ok? If you could just…maybe…not share this story with your followers. Please. It wouldn’t be good for the company. Or for me individually…
That tracks.
So…are we ok? Can we just put this aside? Honestly, I do respect what you’ve accomplished. Just kind of lost my head for a minute. Look, I know you’re the best of the best. As Time Magazine said, you are a master of modern communication. So, please don’t leave. In fact, why don’t you just go ahead and name your terms? Write down a number. Because we’d love for you to be the voice of this company. What do you think? How does that sound?
Lit.
