There can be a difference between the leader you think you are and the leader your people experience. And that difference might be bigger than you realise.
You might consider yourself approachable, yet your people hesitate to bring you bad news.
You might believe you empower your team, yet they feel they need your approval for every important decision.
You might pride yourself on having high standards, while your people feel nothing they do is ever quite good enough.
Same leader. Two very different experiences.
And that gap matters.
The gap between intention and impact
How accurately do we see ourselves as leaders?
It’s an interesting question because we’re judging ourselves with information other people don’t have access to.
We know what we’re trying to achieve, why we’ve made certain decisions and what our intentions are.
Our people don’t necessarily have that context. They’re forming their opinions through their interactions with us, how we respond to challenges, the decisions we make and the behaviours we demonstrate.
And sometimes those two perspectives are quite different.
A leader might see themselves as decisive, while their team experiences them as controlling.
They might believe they’re protecting their people from unnecessary pressure, while their team feels excluded from important decisions.
Or they might consider themselves highly supportive, while their people experience constant checking as a lack of trust.
The challenge is that we can’t close a gap we’re unaware of.
Your leadership shadow is always at work
One of the concepts I explore in my leadership work is the Leadership Shadow.
It’s the impact you have on others through what you say, what you do, how you behave and what you allow.
And here’s what matters.
Your leadership shadow isn’t determined by what you intend. It’s shaped by what people experience.
You can tell your team wellbeing matters, but if you’re sending emails late at night and praising people for working weekends, what message are you reinforcing?
You can encourage people to speak up, but if your immediate reaction to being challenged is defensiveness, how likely are they to do it again?
You can talk about accountability, but if poor behaviour from a high performer is consistently overlooked, what does that tell everyone else?
People notice these things. And over time, those experiences shape trust.
Five ways to close the gap between intention and impact
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Get curious about the experience you’re creating
When was the last time you genuinely asked someone what it’s like to be led by you?
It’s easy to assume that because people are friendly, cooperative and getting their work done, everything is going well. But compliance and trust aren’t the same thing.
Try asking:
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- What’s one thing I do that makes your job easier?
- What’s one thing I do that unintentionally makes your job harder?
- What could I do differently to help you perform at your best?
Then listen, without explaining or defending your intentions.
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Pay attention to your behaviour under pressure
It’s relatively easy to demonstrate good leadership when everything is going well. The real test comes when deadlines are tight, results disappoint or someone makes a mistake.
Do you become impatient? Take control? Stop listening? Start checking everything?
Ask yourself: Would my team describe me differently on a difficult day?
And if so, what impact might that be having?
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Look for contradictions between what you say and do
You say you want people to take ownership, but struggle to let go.
You encourage work-life balance, but reward the person who’s always available.
You talk about collaboration, but make decisions without involving the people affected.
These contradictions are often unintentional, but people notice them.
Try this: Write down three things you regularly tell your team are important. What evidence would they see in your everyday behaviour that supports those messages, and what might contradict them?
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Notice what you’re rewarding and tolerating
Some of the strongest leadership messages come from what you recognise, reward and allow to continue.
If someone delivers outstanding results but treats colleagues poorly, what happens?
If a team member raises a difficult issue, how do you respond?
Your team learns what matters through these moments.
Ask yourself: What behaviours am I reinforcing, whether I intend to or not?
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Close the loop when people give you feedback
Asking for feedback is important. What happens afterwards matters even more.
If people take the risk of being honest and nothing changes, they’re less likely to speak up again. You won’t always agree with every perspective or be able to act on every suggestion. But you can acknowledge what you’ve heard, explain what you’ll do and follow through.
Trust is built through consistent behaviour over time, not a single conversation.]
So, what’s it really like to be led by you?
I’ve worked with leaders who were genuinely surprised by feedback about their impact. They were working hard, trying to support their people and doing what they believed was right.
Yet their people were experiencing something different. And until they understood that difference, they couldn’t do much about it.
That’s why self-awareness is such an important leadership capability. It gives us the opportunity to recognise where our intentions and impact aren’t aligned, and make a different choice.
Your leadership isn’t defined solely by how you see yourself. It’s also reflected in the experience of the people you lead.
So here’s a question worth sitting with.
If I asked your team what it’s really like to be led by you, would their answer surprise you?
And perhaps more importantly, are you willing to find out?
Written by Julie Hyde.
Julie is a leadership advisor, keynote speaker and author who works with executives, business owners and professionals to strengthen their leadership, navigate change and lead with greater intention.
