I’m Mad- Even in the Middle of a Pandemic
I’m anxious about Covid-19 and it’s implications on society and the economy. I’m nervous and tired. My mental capacity stretched to the limit. I worry about my children, my parents, my grandparents. I’m fearful. And I’m mad.
This is a storm we have never weathered. There’s no instruction manual for being a Mom during a pandemic. Or a wife, daughter, or a friend. There’s no “right” way to feel to feel. Each of us will be affected differently by this, so we will all experience varying emotions and degrees of emotions. We will all have our own version of this story to tell on the other side.
“Most of All, I’m Mad”
Most of all, for me, I’m mad. Yes, mad. Mad at Covid-19. I’m mad at the world for being socially irresponsible and not taking this serious. Mad at the mainstream media for inciting fear and feeding people’s anxiety.
Pin Me For Later
I’m mad because P&K recently turned three. We had a birthday party planned, an entire birthday weekend actually. And it was all cancelled. Like, hey, Corona, in case you didn’t know… I only get so many birthday parties with my children before they decide Mom and Dad aren’t cool and they want to have a party with just their friends. And you stole this one from me, Corona.
I’m mad because we have birthday traditions, and just like that, birthday traditions cancelled. I’m mad.
And yes. I know we can still proceed with our birthday tradition when this all blows over. I know we can reschedule their party. But I’m mad.
I’m mad that my husband and I won’t be celebrating our anniversary as planned in April.
I’m mad that our trip with friends has been cancelled. I got the reservation cancellation email yesterday, actually.
Mad. I’m mad that I have to go scouring the ends of the Earth looking for toilet paper, and bread, and baby wipes and cold medicine.
I’m mad that I have to answer P&K’s questions about why their daycare is closed. And why we can’t eat inside at Wendy’s. And why they can’t go to Wal-Mart or Lowe’s or Cracker Barrel right now.
I want to go to Cracker Barrel too.
Yes, I know I’m blessed
My family is healthy. I’m healthy. My husband and I are both still working right now. Edit: My husband is still working right now. We have a warm bed to sleep in, food to eat, and toilet paper in each bathroom at home. But I’m still mad, and I’m mad that I feel like I don’t have a right to be mad.
I know these things I’m angry about are trivial by some. There are many fighting on the front lines against this virus- I understand this too. I know there are people who worry every day about being exposed to this virus while fighting on the front lines. They have to worry about bringing it home to their children. (Nurses, doctors, grocery store clerks, grocery stockers, restaurant hostesses, mail carriers and UPS and FedEx drivers- I see you!) I know these people may be angry too. Their anger is much more deep seeded than my anger over birthday parties and missed Cracker Barrel dates.
But I’m still angry.
This pandemic has thrown me into a position where I’m no longer contributing financially to our family. Instead, I’m home, trying to navigate virtual unemployment lines while simultaneously diving into the stay at home mom life.
But this isn’t Really the SAHM Life
This isn’t how the stay at home mom life really is.. I wish for the ability to be a stay at home mom, at least a part time one, so often. I want to be able to take my kids on library runs and walks down the river greenway (without having to worry about social distancing) and ice cream dates and trips to the park. I’ve daydreamed about these things.
And here we are- knee deep in the sahm life, but pandemic style. I’m grateful. So incredibly grateful that I am able to be at home with my children during this time. I’m also mad.
I’m mad that this is my first experience as a stay at home mom. Because it’s hard. And not just normal hard, but pandemic hard. I’m sure being a stay at home mom is hard enough, but add in pandemic anxiety and wondering if we should create a bug out bag, and not being able to do all of the fun, sahm things I often daydream about- add all of that onto normal hard and everyday anxiety, and you get a new level of HARD.
Which makes me mad. Because I feel cheated. I feel like P&K are cheated.
When they get older, I want them to remember this time as a time when they got to stay home with Mommy, play fun games, eat cookies for breakfast, stay up too late, play all day outside on their gator and bake cookies.
My fear, though, is that they will remember this time as the time when they were scared because so many people are sick. P asks me almost daily if lots of people are sick, and if they are really sick, and why they aren’t just a little sick. She has trouble sleeping- both at nap and bedtime- I think primarily due to a higher level of anxiety. I fear they will remember being stuck at home with Mommy, when Mommy was cranky and yelled a lot. They’ll remember that version, not being able to understand the weight of the world that was on Mommy’s shoulders.
It’s not fair that they are being cheated out of this time with me. It’s not fair that I’m being cheated out of a real trial run of this SAHM life.
This whole thing isn’t fair.
Let me be Mad
So just let me be mad. Let me be mad without judgement. Let me grieve my personal losses- the lost birthday celebrations. The lost anniversary dinner, and the lost trips to Cracker Barrel. The weekend adults-only trip that didn’t happen. The lost opportunity to really try out this SAHM life. And the lost innocence. Because P&K shouldn’t have to worry about if people are sick. They shouldn’t have to worry about whether or not Mimi and Papa’s is “closed.” They shouldn’t have to worry about if they are going to get sick and have to go to the hospital.
Yet, this is the world we are living in. We are all affected by this pandemic- whether or large or small. We all will grieve losses of some kind.
So I pray every day. I pray for our country, for my family. Sometimes, I don’t even know what it is I’m praying for. But I pray. And I don’t know what our new normal is going to look like on the other side of this. And it makes me angry to think about that too.
So just let me be angry. Without judgement.
I just need this moment.
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