Feeling Disconnected? Here’s Why Your Relationship with Yourself Could Be the Key – Sanket Pai – Reinvent Yourself | Certified Life Coach (India & internationally) | NLP Coach Practitioner | EFT Practitioner | TEDx Speaker

Admittedly, this piece has taken a bit longer to arrive than planned. Sometimes, life—or, in my case, a bout of procrastination—has its own timelines. But here we are, ready to dive into the next part of our series. Let’s continue our journey and pick up right where we left off.

In my previous articles, we’ve delved into the significance of relationships in our pursuit of deliberate living. While we continue this exploration, one crucial question emerges: “Do you nurture a healthy relationship with yourself?” If not, it’s imperative to take steps to cultivate one. Investing in this relationship yields profound benefits, serving as the cornerstone for unlocking your potential and fostering positive changes in your life.

Building a strong and nurturing connection with yourself not only enhances your mental and emotional well-being but also enriches your interactions with others. Conversely, maintaining an unhealthy self-relationship, marked by self-criticism and neglect, can fuel negative thinking patterns and undermine your self-esteem and overall wellness.

Consider Maya, a vibrant and diligent professional navigating the corporate world. Despite her outward success, Maya grappled with a profound sense of disconnection from herself. Trapped in a cycle of self-neglect and discontent, she hid behind a facade of competence while battling inner turmoil.

Each day, Maya faced her reflection with harsh scrutiny, her self-criticism intensifying as her identity fragmented under its weight. She waded through life carrying this invisible weight upon her shoulders, hiding her true feelings and being haunted by doubt and insecurity. She felt like she was living a lie, pretending to be someone she wasn’t.

Day by day, her self-criticism began to grow, and her negative and ruminative self-talk began to affect her health. Unable to find solace in her work or her personal life, Maya turned to food for comfort. Emotional eating and unconscious snacking became her coping mechanism due to which she also began to put on more and more weight.

Self-blame, self-doubt, and negative body image became pervasive themes, overwhelming her ability to cope and leaving her feeling anxious and isolated. She was overwhelmed by her negative thoughts, which made it difficult for her to focus on anything else.

As Maya’s sense of disconnection with herself deepened, it began to seep into other aspects of her life, including her work. Despite her best efforts to maintain her professional facade, she found it increasingly challenging to focus on her tasks and meet deadlines. Her mind was consumed by self-doubt and anxiety, leaving little room for creativity or productivity.

As her performance at work began to suffer, Maya’s superiors took notice. They called her in for meetings to discuss her declining productivity and the quality of her work. Maya struggled to articulate her struggles, feeling ashamed of her perceived inadequacies. She blamed herself for not being able to keep up with the demands of her job, further fueling her feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness.

As Maya’s physical and mental health continued to deteriorate, she felt herself spiraling further into despair. She withdrew from social interactions, isolating herself from friends and family members who could offer support. She became overly critical of herself, permeating her life with phrases such as, “I am such a loser,” “I’ll never be good enough,” and “I’ll never succeed.” She felt trapped in a cycle of self-destructive behavior, unable to break free from the grip of her negative thoughts, words, and emotions.

Day after day, Maya found herself sinking deeper and deeper. The overwhelming weight of self-loathing and hopelessness proved too much to bear. In a moment of utter despair, she succumbed to the darkness that had consumed her from within. Her downward spiral led to the diagnosis of clinical depression, prompting her to seek intensive treatment and support.

Maya’s story serves as a stark reminder of the profound consequences of neglecting one’s relationship with oneself. It underscores the importance of nurturing a healthy relationship with yourself.

Identifying and Communicating Your Boundaries

Establishing and maintaining a healthy relationship with oneself involves acknowledging, respecting, and prioritizing one’s own needs, values, and boundaries. Clearly defining and communicating these boundaries is essential for safeguarding personal well-being and fostering fulfilling experiences. Boundaries serve as guidelines that delineate acceptable behavior, interactions, and expectations in various situations.

When we articulate our preferences and limits, we convey our values and needs to others, facilitating genuine connections and mutual understanding. Setting boundaries also acts as a shield against exploitation, manipulation, and emotional harm by establishing parameters for how we expect to be treated. It reinforces the idea that our needs and feelings are valid and deserving of consideration.

Crucially, boundaries contribute to self-respect, self-care, and personal empowerment. By defining our limits, needs, and expectations, we honor our well-being and assert our autonomy. This practice encourages honest self-reflection and communication, enabling us to better understand our values and desires.

In addition to nurturing self-respect and personal empowerment, setting boundaries is vital for maintaining emotional balance. Clear boundaries protect us from becoming overwhelmed or depleted by others’ demands or expectations.

Reflecting on my own journey, setting boundaries has been instrumental in cultivating a healthy self-relationship. For instance, I used to feel compelled to agree to every social invitation or request for my time, even at the expense of my well-being. I clearly remember sulking in a corner in most of those social obligations. Recognizing the toll this took on me, I made a conscious effort to set boundaries around my social commitments, prioritizing activities aligned with my values and interests. Though challenging initially, asserting my boundaries allowed me to develop greater self-respect and nurture a healthier self-relationship.

In essence, boundaries are the cornerstone of a healthy self-relationship, empowering us to advocate for our needs and cultivate a stronger sense of self-awareness and self-esteem. This brings me to my next point, self-care.

Going Deeper With Self-care

Although the term “self-care” was first introduced by the medical community in the United States during the 1950s, its widespread adoption has only surged in recent years, particularly influenced by the COVID-19 pandemic. Over the past five years, there has been a 200% increase in online searches for “self-care,” with the millennials leading the charge, spending more than twice as much on self-care compared to baby boomers. Notably, self-care has solidified its place as one of the top seven healthcare trends for 2024–25, as indicated by an online survey.

While the concept of self-care often evokes images of relaxation and indulgence, its scope transcends mere activities like bubble baths, face masks, and massages. It encompasses a diverse range of reflective and mindful practices to enhance our physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Fundamentally, it begins with delving deeper into one’s inner self. Allocating time to connect with our thoughts and emotions lays a robust groundwork for fostering a healthy relationship with oneself. Self-care isn’t a passing trend; rather, it signifies a fundamental shift in how we should engage with and nurture our relationship with ourselves.

Your relationship with yourself is the foundation upon which everything else is built. The more you work on your relationship with yourself, what’s happening in the world doesn’t bother you as much as it would have otherwise. If you constantly find yourself disturbed, in the mode of comparison, in a place of dirty competition, then it means that somewhere you are lacking a deeper connection with your own self. So, cherish and cultivate this relationship with kindness and intention, for it is the cornerstone of a fulfilling and deliberate living. As Abraham Lincoln said, “I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true. I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound to live up to what light I have.” And this begins with how you treasure your relationship with yourself.

This article first appeared in my column titled “जिंकावे नि जगावेही” in Loksatta’s Chaturang supplement on May 04, 2024. Here is the link to the original article in Marathi.