When Competition Crosses the Line into Toxicity
Last spring, something happened that really made me pause. I realized what happens when competition crosses the line into toxicity.
My daughter came home unusually quiet. Not her usual after-school burst of stories and snacks and backpack chaos… just… quiet. I sat with her, and it took a while, but she finally told me what was going on.
Apparently, her teacher had started doing this thing of posting weekly charts ranking students by performance. For anyone who’s worked in the world of Wall Street, this might be eerily familiar. At first, my daughter didn’t think much of it. But then she noticed it was always her and one other girl toggling between the top two spots.
And everything became about that chart.
They were paired together for group work. Compared – sometimes jokingly, sometimes seriously – by the teacher, other students, even a few parents in the carpool lane. And my daughter and even my husband started asking, “What did she get?” before she even told me her own score.
Then that hit me.
This wasn’t motivation. This wasn’t growth. This was performance. A scoreboard in a place that was supposed to be about learning.
She began waking up anxious. Coming home exhausted. Not because she was struggling but because she felt like she couldn’t fall behind. It was really getting to her. And that’s not the kind of pressure any child should carry.
When well-meaning systems turn toxic
That moment cracked something open for me. I started seeing patterns whether it be at tennis practice, in PTA chats, at school events. Everywhere, it felt like kids (and sometimes parents) were being pitted against one another in subtle ways.
Let’s face it, competition isn’t inherently bad. It can build resilience, teach focus, even spark joy. After all, competition is common, we celebrate it during ball games, and even the Olympics! But when it becomes public, constant, and tied to identity, well, it crosses a line.
And it’s more common than we think.
A 2022 study published in Children found that middle and high school students who felt publicly compared to peers in academic or extracurricular settings were more likely to report anxiety, depression, and lower self-esteem—even when their performance was objectively strong (Pomerantz et al., University of Illinois).
In sports, the University of Toronto highlighted how toxic environments driven by “win-at-all-costs” coaching contributed to emotional distress, burnout, and withdrawal from physical activity in youth athletes.
And Stanford researchers found that excessive parental involvement—especially when centered on outcomes, not effort—can undermine kids’ emotional development and decision-making skills (Stanford Graduate School of Education, 2021).
So the question is… how do we support growth without pushing our kids over the edge?
Signs of a toxic environment (and what to do)
- Public comparison (charts, rankings, “stars of the week”)
When recognition turns into pressure, it can damage intrinsic motivation. Studies show that kids who are regularly compared to peers feel less autonomy and more anxiety (Deci & Ryan, Self-Determination Theory).
Tip: Ask your child, “What are you proud of this week?” instead of “What did you get?” Praise process, not placement.
- Coaches or leaders who shame, mock, or overly discipline
You know all that yellowing and screaming? Toxic coaching often gets disguised as “tough love.” But when a child is afraid of messing up, learning stops.
Tip: Watch how your child feels after practice. If they’re consistently down, it may be time to meet with the coach or even look for a different environment.
- PTA or school cliques and culture of judgment
When parent groups feel exclusive or competitive, it sets a tone kids pick up on. A 2023 National PTA survey showed that while 88% of parents support mental health initiatives in schools, yet only 37% know how to get involved in a positive way.
Tip: Be the one who opens the circle. Invite new voices. Advocate for emotional wellness just as much as fundraising. It takes effort, yes, but aren’t our kids worth it?
Ways to protect your child’s mental well-being
- Have the “why” conversation
Sit down and ask your child why they participate in certain activities. Is it fun? Do they feel good after? Or is it just for approval or comparison? That question alone can help reset the intention. - Model what it means to try, not win
Let your kids see how you handle pressure and toxicity with grace. Share your flops. Laugh at your learning curves. Show that doing your best really is enough. - Create “buffer zones” in your home
No homework talk at dinner. No practice reviews right after a game. A child’s identity has to be bigger than their performance. - Set boundaries around toxic involvement
If you’re in a PTA, coaching, or school role and the environment turns toxic, step back or shift roles. You can’t fix everything, but you can choose not to contribute to the stress spiral. - Advocate for change with calm clarity
If a teacher’s approach or team culture is causing harm, speak up and stand up for your child. Respectfully, specifically, and with the goal of collaboration, not confrontation. Sometimes people don’t see the harm until someone says it out loud. Awareness can be the first step.
At the end of the day, I want my daughter to learn and grow and be challenged, but not to feel like her worth hangs on a chart.
She still does her best. She still shows up. But we’ve made space in our home a safe and happy place to breathe, to laugh, to be okay with “just okay” days.
Kids don’t need perfect parents. They need safe places to land. And sometimes, that starts with a parent saying, “You’re enough. Right now. No chart needed.”
Let’s build more of those places together at home, at school, on the field, and wherever else our children show up to be seen.
