One morning after my 10-year-old had woken up and was fixing herself a bowl of cereal, I walked up and said, “Hey, can I have a hug?”
She looked up at me, one corner of her mouth lifted.
“What?” I asked.
“Mommy,” she said, fully smiling now. “You already gave me a hug.”
“I did?”
She laughed. “Yeah, like two minutes ago!”
“Oh,” I said. And then a hazy memory of a quick good morning hug swam back into view.
Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get a free printable that will help you strengthen your hugging habit and make sure your child gets all the powerful benefits that great hugs can provide.
Why Would I Forget Hugging My Child?
That first hug we shared had been rushed. Routine and mindless. I’d been on my way to let the dog outside when my child had walked up to me for a hug, so my mind was focused on checking off my task, not on our hug.
But because I hadn’t given the hug my full attention, I barely remembered it.
And yet, as a Certified Parent Educator, I’m trained on the science behind hugs and the benefits of hugging your child. For example, warm, affectionate physical contact like a hug from a parent increases oxytocin, which is commonly referred to as the “love hormone” because it promotes bonding and facilitates feelings of trust. Plus, research shows that warmth and affection expressed by a parent to their child results in life-long positive outcomes for the child, including higher self-esteem, better parent-child communication, and fewer psychological and behavioral problems.
But here I was, doling out quick half-second hugs that were so routine that my brain didn’t even deem them worthy to encode in memory.
If our hugs weren’t notable for me, I knew they weren’t as meaningful as they could be for my child. So I decided we needed to shake up our hugging routine.
Related: How Hugging Your Child Shapes Their Happiness for Life {Printable}
How to Hug Your Child: 21 Sweet and Silly Hugs to Make Them Feel Loved
After my epiphany, I invited my kids to help me invent a few new ways to hug each other so that our hugs would be heartfelt and meaningful.
Then we sat down and made a list, adding in all the other types of hugs we’ve ever heard of, so that we could share the full list with you.
If you want to delight your child and show them you love them, then surprise them with a new kind of hug from this list. Every hug in this list may not be a good fit for every family, but it sure is fun to try them all out and see what kind of physical affection your child likes best!
But First, a Warning
While hugging your child is beneficial for you and your child, the point is not to force hugs on anyone. Just as you probably aren’t always in the mood for a hug or physical affection, your child sometimes may not want a hug either.
Before you hug your child, you can ask a simple question like “Can I have a hug?” or “Hey, got a second for a hug?” to remind your child they get to decide. Or as another option, you can use this genius solution to put your child in the driver’s seat on the kind of affection they want.
1. The Long Hug
This is your garden-variety hug, but make it last 6 seconds or more.
Here’s why that’s important: When you hold a hug for several seconds, oxytocin and serotonin start flowing. Those are the chemicals that promote bonding and reduce your stress, plus they boost your mood.
Science hasn’t given us a definitive answer yet on exactly how long a hug needs to last to get all those benefits, but the author of The Happiness Project discovered research indicating that six seconds is where the magic starts to happen.
With that said, counting the seconds can take you out of the moment, so try to hold on until you start to feel relaxed. Or you can try my trick: I challenge myself to be the last one to let go of the hug.
2. The Sandwich Hug
This hug needs two adults to make a “sandwich” with your child in the middle:
- Call out your child’s name and add the word “sandwich,” like “Oliver Sandwich!”
- One adult stands in front of your child while the other stands behind.
- Both adults put your arms around your child and hug.
3. The Deep Breath Hug
When your child is upset, a hug paired with deep breaths can comfort them and help calm their big emotions.
While you’re holding on, take deliberate deep breaths. Odds are, your child will follow your lead and take a deep breath too, which will help calm their nervous system. (This is called the Chameleon Effect—a human unconsciously mimicking the behavior of another.)
4. The Rocking Hug
As you’re hugging, rock your child side-to-side.
My toddlers have especially liked it when I also said, “Mmm mmm mmm!” timing one “mmm” with every rock.
5. The Side Hug
This works well if your child is busy doing something because you can sidle up next to them, put one arm around them, and squeeze.
For an extra boost of connection, plant a kiss on their cheek or the top of their head.
6. The Heartbeat Hug
This is another hug for when your child’s upset or coming down from a tantrum or emotional outburst. Guide your child’s head to rest where your heart is so they can hear your heartbeat.
Some research indicates that when humans are in proximity, their heartbeats synchronize. If you’re calm and your child isn’t, hearing your heartbeat might help them regulate their heart rate to match yours. (The fancy term for this phenomenon is interpersonal synchrony.)
7. The Bear Hug or The Whole-Hearted Hug
Throw your arms wide and put your whole heart into that hug.
8. The Catch Me Hug
Open your arms, bend your knees, and encourage your child to run and jump into your arms, then hold on.
9. The Reverse Hug or The Back Hug
Tweens and teenagers typically like this one because they get to pretend they’re too cool for a regular hug, but they still get the benefits of cuddling with you.
To try this hug, stand behind your child and throw your arms around them.
10. The Scoop and Hug
Walk up to your child and scoop them up into your arms for a hug.
11. The Lap Hug
Pull your child into your lap, then wrap your arms around them.
12. The Love Blanket
Younger kids love this one at bedtime!
When you go to hug your child good night, lay on top of them without putting all your weight on them. For guaranteed giggles, call out “Attack of the Love Blanket!”
Side note: My kids are huge Bluey fans, so any time they want to initiate The Love Blanket hug, all they have to do is say “dunny,” and they know I’ll give them a “squish-squash!”
13. The Group Hug
Call out “Group hug!” and open your arms to any family members who are nearby. The bigger the family, the sillier this hug gets.
14. The Kissy Hug
As you’re hugging your child, pepper them with tiny kisses until they giggle.
15. The Hug and Twirl
End a hug by twirling your child around in a circle for a few extra seconds of connection.
16. The London Bridge Hug
Play “London Bridge is falling down…” but when the bridge catches your child, hold on for a hug.
17. The Dance and Hug
Fire up a song from our love songs for kids playlist, then dance with your child while hugging them.
Research shows that when kids move their bodies to a rhythmic beat, they get a big dose of happy—and the same goes for adults.
18. The Spoon Hug
For a special bedtime hug, lie down next to your child and spoon them with an arm around them.
19. The Massage Hug
As you’re hugging your child, rub their back in soothing circles.
20. The Sweater Hug
I typically wear a cardigan-style sweater at home so that’s how this hug came about, but this would work with any light cardigan or even a jacket. Walk up to your child and tap them on the shoulder, then open up the sides of your sweater to invite them in for a cozy hug.
After they wrap their arms around you underneath your sweater, close the sides of the sweater and hug them back. My kids love it because it’s like a little cocoon!
21. The Hug Monster Hug
Make monster sounds and stomp around, calling out “Here comes The Hug Monster!” When you find your child, unleash your inner love monster and hug them.
As an alternative, you can act like a robot and call yourself “The Hug Machine.” (Side note: If you’ve never read the book Hug Machine† with your child, it’s a fun read!)
But Will This Break the Quick-Hug Habit?
If you’ve fallen into the habit of rushed squeezes instead of long hugs, you might need more than a list of different kinds of hugs to break that habit.
In that situation, what works well is to issue yourself a Hugging Challenge for one week. A Hugging Challenge will help you strengthen your hugging habit and make sure your child gets all the powerful benefits that great hugs can provide.
This is something I do once in a while to reconnect with the importance of hugging my child, and it works like magic. A Hugging Challenge is easy and quick so I can fit it into my busy day, and it gently breaks a “quick squeeze” hug habit, replacing it with a whole-hearted hug habit.
For instructions on how to get started with your own Hugging Challenge, head to How Hugging Your Child Shapes Their Happiness for Life and jump to the How to Take the Hugging Challenge section.
As a bonus, you can grab the printable Hugging Challenge tracker at the end of this article. Use it to keep track of your hugs and mark off one box for every awesome hug you deliver to your child.
Bonus: Invent Your Own Hug
The week when my kids and I were inventing some of the hugs listed in this article, we had a blast together. We invented a lot of duds, and giggling at our hug failures was almost as fun as discovering a winning hug.
So don’t be afraid to embrace your playful side and invent your own kind of hug with your child. Instead of a secret family handshake, maybe you’ll stumble on a family hug that gives you warm fuzzies. But the best part is you’ll communicate to your child that hugging them brings you delight, and that will pay off in ways you can’t anticipate.
For example, that day I forgot I’d already hugged my 10-year-old when I asked for another hug? When she called me on it, I did my best Dory impression from Finding Nemo and gazed off into the distance: “I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.”
She giggled and went back to pouring milk over her cereal, then I turned away to fill the cats’ food bowl.
But when I turned back around, my daughter was standing in front of me, holding back a smirk (and failing). “Mommy,” she said. “You haven’t given me a good morning hug yet!”
I laughed and opened up my arms, then that time, we held on tight.
Related: 101 Heartfelt and Simple Ways to Love Your Child Every Day {Printable}
Get Your Free Printable: The Hug Tracker
Use this free Hugging Challenge tracker to strengthen your hugging habit and make sure your child gets all the powerful benefits that great hugs can provide.
- Get the free printable. Join my weekly-ish newsletter and as a bonus, you’ll get the printable! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
- Print your Hugging Challenge tracker.
- Keep it handy and visible, like in your back pocket, next to your phone, or taped to your steering wheel.
- Hug your child, aiming for eight 6-second hugs a day. On your tracker, mark off one box for every awesome hug you give your child.
Here’s a sneak peek of your printable hug tracker:
Your Turn
What’s your favorite way to hug your child? Share in a comment below!
