Forgiving Yourself and Finding Freedom From Shame

Why is forgiving yourself so difficult, even when you know God has forgiven you? Forgiving yourself can feel difficult when guilt, regret, and shame keep you focused on what you have done instead of what God has already done for you. Freedom begins with receiving God’s forgiveness, accepting His grace, and refusing to let past mistakes define your identity. When you trust what God says about you more than the shame you carry, you can begin letting go of self-condemnation and moving forward in the freedom Christ offers.

Why Is Forgiving Yourself So Difficult?

From the outside, it all looked quite picture-perfect. Handsome husband. Two beautiful toddlers. Financial stability. Active in church ministry. Always quick with a smile and an encouraging word.

And it wasn’t as if my smile was disingenuous. I treasured my husband and children. Gratitude for all of God’s blessings filled my heart. The world needs happiness, and smiling is one easy way to cheer up another, so to me, wearing a smile came easily. 

But what most people didn’t know was that on the other side of my picture-perfect world lay a curtain of shame.

That shame brought tears behind closed doors and a battle with the enemy of my soul. It perpetuated the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual comparison of myself to everyone and everything around me.

Shame Exhausts Us Spiritually, Emotionally, and Physically

When you live under the heavy weight of shame, the days feel long and the tears many. Depression can seep into every crevice of our soul. It hides from the world but eats away at who God intends for us to be and at the freedom with which He desires us to live.

My heart grieved over so much of my past. Confusion, mistakes, and missteps filled my life before Jesus. Painful rejections at the hands of those I thought I could love and trust the most only compounded the grief. 

Somewhere and at some point, I locked eyes with rejection and held onto its gaze.

I received it as the truth and as my identity. I stayed there — stuck — for far too long.

Watching. 

Asking.

What am I missing?

Why am I always not enough or too much?

What will make me worthy of approval?

I saw the best of everyone else and the worst of myself.

When I look back, I’m amazed at God’s hand in my life even when I didn’t understand the power of His love. He gave me wisdom, strength, courage, tenacity, and discernment.

I was a survivor—surviving abortion, an abusive marriage, and a disease that nearly took my kidneys. Struggling through the financial impact of divorce and medical bills, I still flourished in a teaching career.

I was tough.

I knew it wasn’t healthy to remain stuck in rejection and shame. So, I did the work by going to counseling, talking with my pastor, and reading the right books.

It helped a little. But not enough to tear away the shame wrapped tightly around me.

Forgiving Yourself Begins With Receiving God’s Grace

I had failed to use one of our most powerful weapons in the fight against shame—the weapon of forgiveness.

For me, it wasn’t the forgiveness of those who had sinned against me. I had crossed that bridge and felt that layer of pain and bitterness lifted.

Instead, it was the forgiveness of myself.

I entertained the idea of Jesus forgiving me, but somehow, I couldn’t forgive myself.

I was in a self-made prison of defeat with the key to unlock the door in my hand. God’s love and grace were freely offered to me; only I wouldn’t embrace them.

Instead of accepting His grace—His key to freedom and victory—I pushed Him aside and punished myself.

But this is where we need to understand something important about forgiving ourselves. Scripture continually points us toward receiving and trusting the forgiveness God has already given us.

We can know that truth in our heads and still struggle to live as though it is true. We replay the mistake, rehearse the regret, and remind ourselves of who we used to be.

And sometimes, without realizing it, we act as though continuing to punish ourselves will somehow make the past right. But our self-condemnation cannot add anything to the grace Jesus has already given us.

When we have confessed our sin and received God’s forgiveness, we don’t have to keep serving a sentence He has already released us from.

Why Do I Still Feel Guilty After God Has Forgiven Me?

Forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending our choices never mattered.

Sometimes there are consequences to face, relationships to repair, apologies to make, or lessons God still wants to teach us. But guilt and shame are not the same thing.

Guilt can point us toward something that needs to be confessed and made right. Shame goes further and tells us that what we’ve done is who we are.

That’s where I was stuck for far too long. My mistakes, rejection, and painful experiences slowly became labels I carried. But God never intended those labels to become my identity.

But God.

He gave me one moment where it all became too much. Every failure and rejection flooded my spirit.

But God

He gave me one friend who spoke truth in love and followed it with a plan of action.

But God

He gave me the space of a trusted environment. All the shame and pain that ravished my soul poured out in that space where two or more were present. With His light now illuminating the darkness, the enemy’s hiding places were revealed. Prayer moved mountains, and victory was claimed.

That evening, the enemy’s perpetuated cycle stopped. I began by forgiving myself, and His grace and Truth replaced shame. Rejection was given back to its rightful owners. Now, the process of denying its power over my life had begun.

What Does Forgiving Yourself Look Like as a Christian?

Forgiving myself wasn’t one magical moment that erased my past. Today, I choose to live out my something better in the arms of God’s love and grace. I still have that handsome husband. Those toddlers are adults and our third treasure is not far behind them. And I still have my smile — even on the hard days.

The difference is that now the curtain of shame is torn away. Life still gets hard. Hearts break and relationships disappoint. But with the shame erased, comparison doesn’t control me.

Satan still attempts to lure me with the familiar habits of my past. He hits where he knows the weakness lies. So, when I step out into the brave, I hear the whispers of comparison in my mind. Sometimes I even entertain them a moment longer than I should.

But God.

He taught me to accept His grace and forgive myself. He taught me to speak His truth because it reigns over all other words ever spoken.

When the old accusations return, I have a choice about which voice I will believe.

I can return to the prison of shame. Or I can return to the Truth of God.

5 Declarations of God’s Truth to Help With Forgiving Yourself

If you are struggling with forgiving yourself and embracing the love and grace of Christ in your life, speak these declarations of Truth over yourself.

Speak them when shame resurfaces, when comparison whispers that everyone else is better, and when your past tries to convince you that you cannot move forward.

5 Declarations of God’s Truth to Help You Forgive Yourself

1. I am thankful to be a cracked and broken vessel giving a pathway through which Your power and beauty can shine. (2 Cor 4:7)

2. My weaknesses are proof of your strength. (2 Cor 12:9)

3. I do not live to compare myself to another because then I will only be tossed into confusion (2 Cor 10:12) But instead, I strive to be an imitator of You, Lord (1 Cor 11:1, seeking only Your approval (Galatians 1:10)

4. You call me wonderful and marvelous. (Psalm 139:13-14)

5. I have no need for fear. (2 Timothy 1:7)

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Let God’s Truth Have the Final Word

Maybe you know God has forgiven you, but there’s still something from your past you keep picking back up.

A mistake.

A decision.

Something you wish you could undo.

A version of yourself you wish had never existed.

Bring it back to God. Confess what needs to be confessed. Make right what you can make right. Learn what God is teaching you. Then receive His grace.

You don’t have to allow yesterday’s shame to determine today’s identity. When the enemy whispers lies that tell you your worth is not enough, return to what God says about you. His Truth gets the final word.

Courageous Women

The Something Better Series brings the stories of strong, courageous women who have stepped out of pain and into their something better. They are everyday women just like you and me. Somewhere inside, they knew there was more to them than the enemy wanted them to believe. So they put one foot in front of the other, grabbed onto the hand of Jesus, and with Him began walking toward their something better.

Use the links below to read their stories. I pray their stories encourage and inspire you to believe that you, too, have a something better and it is within your reach. Something better is possible for every single one of us.

For I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength. -Philippians 4:13 NLT

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The Something Better Series

1 –  What Does Your Something Better Look Like? 

2 –  How to Get Unstuck with Grace and Patience 

3 –  Leaving the Lies of Shame Behind

4 –  When Your Something  Better Is the Thing You Fear the Most

5 –  Choosing Joy When Everything Falls Apart

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Have You Read Our Story of Surrender?

Through our adoption journey, God brilliantly showed us the power of living surrendered. We discovered the peace that comes when we walk in God’s will and trust wherever He takes us. Finding that doesn’t usually come along golden paved roads, though. It comes along the broken ones.

Purchase the Surrendered Hearts book on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, ChristianBook.com, and Redemption Press.

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