Teens and Technology: Helping your teen create healthy tech habits now
Our two oldest children were 1 and 3 years old when the first iPhone came out. A little over a decade later, 95% of US teens ages 13-17 reported owning or having access to a smartphone, and almost half reported being online “almost constantly.” By then, our family had grown to five children by birth and adoption.
Now, my husband Jedd and I have a household of teens and young adults. We are part of a generation of parents who faced a new digital frontier: algorithms, portable and interactive screens, and human interactions shifting to online spaces.
Parenting suddenly required decisions about device use with no roadmap or communal consensus.
Enthusiasm for the new technology and its “keep-you-coming-back” appeal swept society, and parents quickly feared their children would feel left out without a smartphone or social media account.
Foster and adoptive parenting also became more complex as the technology landscape shifted. Young people entering foster care may have experienced unsupervised access to devices, very heavy screen use and greater exposure to online harms. When there are struggles with self-regulation or other delays in readiness, a teen may need additional oversight and limits for longer periods. Tension over screen use can strain relationships and leave parents feeling that they are facing a losing battle.
Whether parenting through foster care, adoption or birth, a critical part of raising children in an online era is equipping them to establish healthy tech habits now and as a pathway toward adult life.
Eight principles for helping your teen navigate technology
A healthy relationship with technology begins with parents establishing screen limits and healthy family habits. A family tech rule can support consistent screen-free mealtimes, phone-free rooms for better sleep and an atmosphere that cultivates attending to people rather than devices. As children grow, however, parental oversight must gradually shift toward coaching them to live wisely and fully without being dominated by devices.
Here is some guidance drawn from principles that have been important in our parenting as we have sought to help our teens develop healthy technology habits.
1) See your teen as capable of a full and meaningful life.
Assume your teen has a deep-seated longing and need for a meaningful life, one not dominated by gaming, social media or constant device use. See your child as someone capable of cultivating good relationships, connection to God, meaningful work and personal growth.
Though your teen may understandably be strongly drawn to screens, you can help them by holding firmly to the view that their flourishing, like your own, depends upon growing little by little toward healthier habits with technology.
2) Build a daily life centered on real-world experiences.
Even if you begin later than you would like, you can help your child experience what it feels like to live more fully in the real world. Stack the day with embodied, in-person relationships and responsibilities: physical activity, time outdoors, helping around the home, serving others, prayer, meals together, meaningful work and time with friends.
Whatever patterns they establish as a young adult, the gift of a tech-limited adolescence will remain part of their experience. They will know what such a life feels like and that it is possible.
3) Talk about important things — a lot.
Use mealtimes, car rides and any time you can to talk about God, what matters most in life and His purposes for us. Discuss the benefits of technology, along with the costs and risks that come with devices being ever-present.
Help your teen recognize how screens and social media are designed to keep people coming back for more. Consider together how current screen habits may help or hinder the life they want to build, including their ability to devote themselves to a vocation, attend to those they love and grow in relationship with God.
Talk to God together about these things and ask for His wisdom and help.
4) Hold off on smartphones and social media as long as possible.
Evidence strongly suggests that the longer families wait to introduce a first smartphone, personal tablet or social media, the better the overall well-being outcomes for young people. Wait longer when self-control, honesty or social skills still need bolstering.
Access should be shaped by readiness rather than age alone. A teen who is not yet able to manage limits, tell the truth about device use or respond responsibly to online relationships may need additional time before receiving greater freedom.
5) Connect privileges to agency and responsibility.
Help your teen understand their own agency. Their choices help steer their opportunities. As they make responsible and trustworthy choices, they can gain greater technology privileges.
Make clear that device use is not a right gained at a certain age. It is an opportunity that grows as a young person demonstrates reliability in daily life. The opportunity to use a device tomorrow depends, in part, on using it responsibly today.
Poor choices may also carry natural consequences. A teen who spends time on a phone instead of studying, for example, may do poorly in a class. Helping young people recognize the connection between their choices, responsibilities and freedoms is a critical part of moving toward adulthood.
Involve your teen in pacing the growth of their privileges. Ask them to answer these questions in writing:
- What privilege do you believe you are ready for?
- What responsible choices demonstrate that you are ready for that privilege?
- What commitments will you uphold if it is granted?
If their case is sufficient, sign and date the agreement together. This makes the privilege part of a mutual agreement your teen has helped initiate and is responsible for maintaining.
6) Help your teen establish a personal tech rule.
As your teen gains greater technology freedoms, especially if they have their own smartphone, invite them to establish a personal tech rule.
A personal tech rule is a self-imposed plan for boundaries around when, where, how long and with what content devices will be used. It helps protect important parts of life, such as sleep, relationships, time with God and work, and is a vital part of preparing for adulthood.
Have your teen write the first draft on their own. Your job is to guide them, not to write it for them. Make sure they understand that the plan must be reasonable and respect the family’s existing rules. Within those bounds, give them latitude to establish parameters they are willing to keep.
Encourage them to be specific about:
- Times and places for device use;
- Length of use;
- Content and apps;
- Sleep and schoolwork;
- Time with God and family; and
- When devices will be put away.
Encourage them to pray and ask for God’s guidance. They might consider Paul’s words:
“‘All things are lawful for me,’ but not all things are helpful. ‘All things are lawful for me,’ but I will not be dominated by anything” (1 Corinthians 6:12, ESV).
What structures might they want to establish with God that will help protect and free them from domination by devices?
7) Use technology to support their commitments.
Tools that intentionally make it harder to use certain apps or access the internet at particular times can help interrupt addictive patterns and support intentional use.
Physical blocking tools, such as Brick, can lock selected apps. Software such as Freedom can establish internet-free times. Certain apps or internet access can be removed from a phone so that a laptop is required for those activities. Even changing a smartphone screen to black-and-white can diminish its appeal.
These tools can support your teen in living the way they have decided they want to live, with technology limited to the times, places and purposes they have established.
Encourage them to involve trusted friends or mentors as well. Healthy friendships can spur important conversations, accountability and even shared commitments around screen limits.
8) Revisit the plan and expect growth to take time.
Creating a personal tech rule demonstrates maturity. Fulfilling it will be hard. Your teen will almost certainly fail along the way.
They will need encouragement in areas where they are doing well and understanding when they fall short. Invite them to revisit their rule periodically and consider what may need to change. Offer empathy while also expressing confidence that they can grow in fulfilling their commitments.
The path toward healthy tech habits will likely involve many conversations, withdrawal of privileges when needed and seasons of discouragement. But press on. Helping your teen develop a worthy vision for life and understand the connection between present choices and future good is a vital, hard-earned skill.
Growing in self-control around technology use will serve them for years to come. It will help them fulfill their calling and duties to God and others, attend to the people they love and pursue a truly satisfying life.
Limits affirm agency and lead to transformation
In our own family, we have found it immensely helpful to engage our children as responsible agents in their use of technology and to invite them to think and act with God in these matters. It has not been easy, but there has also been great reward in walking alongside each of them as they gain these critical life skills.
As you help your teen grow in healthy screen habits — and commit to growth in your own technology habits — you offer your child a powerful gift. The road may be rocky, but your loyalty, persistence and confidence convey a deep truth: God is present with us even in our failings, and He provides a way forward.
As we choose to walk in that way, God will help us grow bit by bit in consecrating even our devices to Him.
– Rachel Medefind is the director of the Institute for Family-Centered Healing & Health.
Help Your Teen Develop Their Own Tech Rule
CAFO’s Teen Tech Rules worksheet can help teens think through and create a Personal Tech Rule of their own.
For a fuller exploration of screen limits and the habits families need to flourish, see Screen Limits for Family Flourishing.
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