Seriously. WHY?!
I have every other symptom in the perimenopause universe.
Brain fog? Check.
Itchy ears? Check.
Hot flashes that could melt an iceberg? Check.
Sleeping through the night? HA! What’s that?
Peeing more than a pregnant woman? Absolutely.
Leg cramps? Yep.
Forgetting words in the middle of a sentence? All. The. Time.
But NOOOOOO.
Apparently, I also get to keep my period as a sweet little monthly reminder that I’m still a woman.
NO THANK YOU.
How about this? Let’s negotiate.
I’ll trade my period for one good night’s sleep.
Seems fair to me.
Hurricane Flo Has Entered the Building
The ONE good thing that’s supposed to come from going through the change of life is NO MORE PERIODS.
Right?!
Oh no. Not me.
Here she comes, raging through like Hurricane Flo, bringing all her amplified hormones, destruction, and emotional devastation along with her.
And let me tell you something.
These aren’t your grandmother’s periods.
Heck, these aren’t even the periods I remember from my twenties!
Remember those?
You’d get a little crampy. Maybe a little moody. Cry a little easier. Your belly would swell, and your boobies might be a little tender.
A little love and tenderness.
Those were the good old days.
NOW?!
These periods come in like a WRECKING BALL.
I feel like my insides are being fed through an industrial paper shredder.
The flow? More like a tsunami.
And don’t even LOOK at my boobs.
Seriously. Don’t.
They ache from morning until night just sitting inside my bra, minding their own business.
No touching necessary.
I’m more exhausted than usual, yet somehow sleeping LESS.
And my mood swings?
Oh, honey.
We’ve graduated from mood swings.
WE HAVE MOOD MISSILES.
They don’t ask permission. They don’t give warnings. They just launch themselves in whatever direction they choose, whenever they choose.
And they don’t take prisoners.
It’s total annihilation.
If you happen to be standing in the line of fire, may God have mercy on your soul.
Because apparently, I have temporarily misplaced mine.
But Wait… There’s a Blessing in Here Somewhere
There has to be a blessing in all of this, right?
Actually, yes.
I’m healthy.
Hormonal, hot, hungry, and hanging on by a thread… but healthy.
My doctor assures me that even though my symptoms are a bit extreme, I’m still healthy.
And one day, this will all be behind me.
One day, I’ll be a seasoned veteran of the Great Hormonal War, cheering on those cute little twenty-somethings carrying their adorable regular-sized tampons and mini pads in their equally adorable little clutches.
Bless their hearts.
Meanwhile, I’m over here considering buying Depends to sleep in.
Because apparently, an S-Plus tampon and an Always with Wings are no longer equipped to handle the natural disaster happening below my waist.
Please Tell Me I’m Not Alone
Seriously.
PLEASE tell me I’m not the only woman experiencing this madness.
Although, if we’re being completely honest…
I actually DO want to be alone.
Alone in my bed.
With my heating pad.
SLEEPING.
Oh, sleep.
Sweet, beautiful, uninterrupted sleep.
I remember you.
We used to be so close.
What happened to us?
I miss you.
I NEED you.
Oh, sweet Jesus, take the wheel… AND MY PERIOD.
Lord, I’m not having any more babies.
I don’t need these eggs.
And while we’re discussing it, I don’t particularly need this uterus anymore, either.
You can have them back.
Thank You for the three beautiful babies You gave me and for the use of my womb.
I am eternally grateful.
But seriously, Lord…
I’m done with the equipment.
Can we please retire it?
Amen.
Getting Older Is Not for the Weak
To all my fellow Peri Friends…
I hear it gets better.
I really do.
And I’m holding on to that promise like a woman clutching her last heating pad.
My daddy always said:
“Getting older is not for the weak.”
I hear you, Daddy.
I hear you loud and clear.
Although, I would like to point out that this wisdom came from a man who NEVER HAD A PERIOD.
Just saying.
In the meantime, I’ll be out of commission for the next five to seven days.
Because YEP.
After all this hormonal chaos…
I’M STILL REGULAR.
Rant over.
Until next time, my friends.
Living Well — At least trying to!
Love,
Amy ❤️
More From My Perimenopause Diaries
If Hurricane Flo hasn’t scared you away, there’s plenty more hormonal chaos where that came from!
Catch up on my other adventures in the perimenopause universe:
❤️ Perimenopause Is From the Devil — 2026 Edition
❤️ Perimenopause Diaries: Where Did My Brain Go?
Because if we have to go through this madness, we might as well laugh together!
