Here We Go Again….. – Ninja-Mam and Sons

I had thought I’d be a bit of a mess this morning. I usually am when the boys go back to school after the Summer break and I remember this time last year being a tear sodden wreck for the entire week with Bubba starting ‘big school’.

Today he was going into Year 8 and Squeak was heading towards Year 3 and a new school so I thought the tears would start at some point, if not when I left Squeak then at least on the drive back home. But no, nothing, not even a slight lip tremble and that in itself feels a bit strange.

A lots happened in a year though, which is why I’ve hardly posted. I’ve just not had the time or the headspace to write – for me Bubba being at Secondary school became a full-time job!

I’d thought that once he was settled into a new school, a shiny new uniform, a new timetable and routine that we’d just tick along nicely but it didn’t work out like that, at all.

From the middle of October each day seemed to bring something I had to deal with.  His anxiety was through the roof and the happy, cheeky lad from Primary School very quickly disappeared to be replaced by an angry, defiant, noncommunicative boy I didn’t know.

It was hard each day sending him off to a place where I knew he didn’t feel safe, knowing his anxiety would make him act out, that his ASD would mean sometimes he’d react inappropriately and also being a twelve-year-old boy that he’d often act like a twerp anyways – not helping his case.  I spent most days advocating for him, researching, seeking advice, arranging interventions, attending meetings. It was relentless.

Lessons were learnt and it was stressful as we both ran towards the end of term.

So I think today I mainly feel trepidation.. that it’s all going to start again, that nothing changes. I hope I’m wrong. I hope that he’s listened to everything me and ‘The Wife’ have said to him over the last six weeks about ‘ignoring the taunts of others, of walking away and not reacting’.

I hope he was listening as we tried to teach him to recognise when he’s becoming unregulated, when his ticks are flowing and to think about them and ask for a time out. I hope he’s learnt that he doesn’t have to control everything, that his teachers are there to help. I hope he’s realised to think before he does something, that he has to consider the consequences of his actions and I hope he remembers to eat!

So much going on for him in one day. So many people and so much noise surrounding him, him alone but for his one friend and all I want to do is wrap him in my arms and keep him and his heart safe. But we can’t. All we can do is equip them for the outside world but that’s really hard when most of the time they’re not listening to you!

And the little one isn’t so little anymore either but to me he’s still too small to be away from us, the day far too long.

He trotted into his new school this morning without a backward glance, a lot quieter than usual and the usual smile missing from his face. I’m sure tomorrow will be different, the nerves will have gone and he’ll be back chatting away but I think when your child has a speech delay you worry about them communicating how they feel. When he comes home how will I know if he’s had a bad day? If he’s been upset? If he’s been sad? ‘The Wife’ says I’ll know but I still worry.

With his delay I always worry ‘Does he know what’s happening? Does he know I’m coming back for him?’ I just don’t know how much he understands.

So maybe me not crying this morning is my way of protecting myself because I’m not sure I could stop if I started. Hard year, tough Summer, maybe it’s easier to focus on something else.  It’s probably not healthy and ‘The Wife’ will tell me off later and make me do something nice for myself.